Finding Your Why, Guest Writer: Rebecca Ash

My journey started in 1996. I was 8 years old when my mother got cancer. I was 13 when she passed away. I am 27 now and healing is still a process. I am no longer dealing with the grief of the loss or the pain that I once felt. I am at a point now where I have accepted that my life is what it is because of my journey through the pain. I chose to have the courage to step into my grief and feel its weight and learn to let go. I have accepted now that if I never felt the sting of loss I would never have been able to give help to those going through the same process.

In many ways meeting Ceci was the true beginning of my process to finding hope. Even though it was six years after my mom passed away when we met, I was now an adult and could more fully grasp the weight of what I went through as a child. Being there with Ceci, when her mom passed away, was a whole new side of the journey. Seeing her emotion and feeling her sadness in those moments made me truly relive the places my heart was at when I was young.

Part of the healing came from revisiting those emotions in myself but also from being able to give comfort to someone else gave me a greater sense of purpose for what I had gone through. I finally felt like there was meaning to my pain. Out of the loss we both felt was birthed a beautiful friendship that I truly believe has changed both of us.

I guess I have always been the kind of person that wants to know “why” for everything. In this situation the answer was Ceci and the other women I have met that have gone through the loss of their mother. They needed me and because I had walked that path before, I now could walk with them. This was my hope. This was what gave me hope for the future. Knowing that somewhere again I will meet a young woman feeling the despair of loss and the anguish of losing a loved one, and I will be able to take their hand and tell them I understand. Each time I do, a part of me heals just a little more.

When Ceci asked me to write this blog I had a hard time because although I knew what healing meant, and what hope feels like, I truly cannot say that I know what wholeness means. I know that no matter how many wonderful people come into my life there will always be a missing piece. A missing person. I hope that someday I grasp the truth of what wholeness means to me but all I can do for now is remember my mom’s beauty in the moments that I long for her. Remember the things she taught me and the legacy she left. This is the journey, and in it there is so much beauty.

 

*You can reach Rebecca via Insta: @Beckisha

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