I woke up on my 27th birthday feeling heavy hearted. Birthdays are my favorite, I love celebrating and making people feel special. In my eyes, life is a huge gift and honor, we are lucky to grow old, therefore I LOVE birthdays. But I woke up in a really funky mood. It was a cloudy and drizzly day and we had to postpone our fun birthday plans, visiting the nearby islands, because of the weather. That was unusual for a May birthday. I’ve never had a rainy birthday in my life, come on skies!
The week leading up to my birthday I told my husband that I am thankful for another year but this birthday just seems weird. It seems impossible that I’ll be 27. I remember turning 21 and feeling pretty grown up about life, but now that was 6 YEARS AGO. WHAT?! The last few birthdays haven’t felt like big deals, I didn’t wake up and feel different. But this late 20’s age range… my mind is tripping. This sounds so naïve but I have always pictured myself being young, and the same age forever! Why do I even think that’s possible? I don’t picture myself in my 30’s, 40’s or how lovely my skin and hair will age when I’m 70.
It’s not like I want to live forever but I think what’s hitting me is that….we have no control of growing old and I guess subconsciously, I kind of felt like I did (and kind of still do). There it is. If you’re along those same lines, you know that that is a big eye opener. Thanks 27.
As we got ready for our day, no plans on the horizon, I felt like I was fighting sadness left and right but all I wanted was to be exited! I get to hang out with my caring and kind husband doing whatever we want!
But on my 27th birthday I was reminded, again, how uncomfortable vulnerability is, how I really do hate crying in front of people because it makes me feel weak, and how missing my mom will weave in and out of my life, forever.
Because this particular birthday felt big to me and because I’m nearing 30, the farther the years get away from her time on earth, the more I miss that she’s missing my current life. It’s like trying to hold on to a hot air balloon, but it gracefully and slowly starts flying away. The bright colors of the balloon are sharp in your mind, but are fading before your eyes. I realized if I didn’t picture myself getting older because somehow time froze, then I didn’t have to acknowledge that I have many many more years ahead without her.
I am IN a season of redeeming visualizing my future, not just my 20’s, because I have several more birthdays ahead.