I grew up taking care of all 6 of my younger siblings. I was the protector and nurturer for them in ways I didn’t even know how, yet I managed. Growing up, my parents where always working to provide for our family of 9. We were young and close in age, left alone to raise ourselves up during the most crucial times of a child’s life. Never did I ever think that I wouldn’t be able to have kids of my own. After getting married at a young age, starting a family was no where close to the forefront of my mind. I still needed to finish high school first.
Who would’ve thought that things would’ve taken a turn for the worst after a few months of marriage. My body was changing and nothing could explain it. I had gained a significant amount of weight in a span of 3 months. Like 5-6 pant sizes. I lost my menstrual period & no doctor could explain why but default to putting me on the pill. My hair was thinning uncontrollably and it felt like a mental battle just trying to get out of bed. I sought out a couple of doctors that left me feeling confused when no one had answers for me. “I don’t know why you don’t have a period and why you can’t get pregnant,” they shrugged. After frustrating doctor appointments and ultrasounds, a fear that I’ve never had began to sink in, “What if I can’t ever have kids?”
I remember so vividly the day that I walked out of my infertility specialists office. I felt relieved finally being diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) after years of trying to figure out what was going on with my body- yet also feeling so broken. On my way home, my mind began to flood with the questions and doubts I had about Gods plan for me.
I always dreamt of being a mom someday but didn’t realize that there was a possibility of facing any hardships until that day when I was faced with reality. Who would’ve thought? I came from a family of 7 kids at the time now 8, and my husband, a family of 7 as well. We never ever thought that growing a family was going to be a battle. We didn’t know anyone at the time that had experience or shared in our emotions. We were wrecked with sadness & grief. I don’t remember how long after but I recall an exact moment when I felt God asking me to surrender. Surrender the idea of having a baby, the desire to be a mother, & the brokenness of my body. Quite honestly, I reacted with anger towards God. I plead with God asking Him why He would ever allow something like this to stop us in our path?
On the hardest days where I felt incomplete and broken as a whole woman, I could still cry out to God and remember the promises He’s left for me to meditate and cling to. Believing that He has a purpose and plan to all things whether I understood it or not. But if I wasn’t careful at that time, I would’ve fallen into the grips of being consumed by the vicious cycles of doing everything I could possibly think of to “make” myself pregnant. Then it made sense. I began to understand why He was asking me to surrender & let go of my desire for a child. If I wasn’t careful, I would’ve chased after all the skeptical treatments and medications and filled up my time with research and fall into an endless hole of disappointment & discontentment. Living with no purpose, hope, or joy. Idolizing motherhood & pregnancy.
In that moment of clarity, I made the hardest decision ever. I decided to give up and surrender my dream of becoming a mom. I chose Jesus instead. I grieved the idea of an un-conceived child. You could not understand the pain I felt as I walked toward the foot of the cross with my precious dream wrapped up in a bundle. Laying it before Him and fully giving Him the authority to do what He will with it. In my weakness, He is made strong. This is true. He has carried me through this journey of barrenness for 8 years now. And what I didn’t realize was that when I had chosen to give up my broken heart & dreams to the Lord, He traded it for joy & strength.
There are still days where I find myself asking God again, “how much longer do I have to wait Lord?” Yet, He is faithful to remind me, “In due time My child. I have something special I’m birthing inside of you. Hold on.”
Years later, I realized something that God was birthing in me: to speak up & share my story. To build community and encourage others. That was no easy task. Being bi-cultured, there was a crippling fear that enabled me to confidently share these revelations with the world for years. He provided opportunities for me to share with people who came through my life & eventually, the wound became a scar that could be shown for all to see. The Lord began to birth in me, a heart for women & couples who were also treading a similar journey as ours. This is where my blog was born. A safe space to share not just my story but hopefully someday, the stories that God has etched on everyones heart. Stories of suffering, waiting, hoping, & stories of miracles and healing.
If you’re in a season of waiting, whatever it may be, just know that God has something beautiful planned out for you. It’s going to take some time, but do not forget that great things do take time.
Only God can heal our aching hearts & fill the invisible empty spaces inside us. Through our hope in Jesus, we are made whole again. Restoration and healing will look differently for you than it does for me but it’s possible. He has given me a mother-like heart to now enable love, care, & nurture children in my community, around the world, and to every soul that walks into my life. He is making all things new in His time and teaching me to live with joy amidst my suffering. He wants to be the light that radiates through you unto others who’ve felt the same way.
He is showing me the Beauty of Barrenness.