I lost my father 8 years ago on October 11th, 2009. He past away from a sudden stroke which was caused by a brain aneurism. I remember that day like it was yesterday, that day changed my life.
I was in Bible College when I met Ceci! I had people come and tell me that I needed to meet her because she had been through the loss of a parent recently. So we met and the rest is history! We’ve both been on this weird journey of grief together. I am SO grateful to have a friend who encourages me in the hard moments to reach for Jesus and allow myself to find healing, hope and wholeness. Let’s jump in.
The past 8 years my life has been full of ups and downs, good and not so good. I have lost loved ones and friends, made new friends, lost jobs, gotten better jobs and got married to the most wonderful and loving husband, Eric. Within these 8 years I have been learning about what my healing process looks like. By allowing God to bring hope into my life, I am truly ready to walk through the process towards wholeness. This idea of wholeness was scary for me, but I want to be a woman of God who seeks healing, finds hope and is found feeling whole in Christ. I have learned that by confronting my past pain and hurt, I now have positioned myself to experience true healing and wholeness.
I’m a HUGE fan of therapy. I believe that therapy can be life changing if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open to change. I see a therapist almost weekly and I am rocked in the best way after our session. I love inviting the Lord into this area of my healing. I believe that I can be changed by God when I choose to rely on Jesus and not allow my fears to take over my life. The Lord has been doing a work in my mind and my heart in regards to the grieving process and finding freedom. For me, the battle has been in my mind.
Through conversations with my husband, friends, and my therapist, I have realized that I have had hurts and negative thinking patterns for 8 years. However, did not have the language to express myself. I often would find myself being really frustrated in my thinking and actions. I know I can’t control what has happened in the past. However, I can control how I think and act now.
As a social worker, we study thought processes and one intervention is called Cognitive Behavioral therapy or CBT. In CBT, we help clients acknowledge their thought process and help guide them to change negative thinking into positive truths, which guide a changed thinking pattern, which ultimately will change their behavior. As I was learning about this intervention, I knew that I needed to change my thoughts. I needed to change the way I perceived the world and others around me. I knew deep in my heart and soul that I was on my way to finding wholeness.
I shared with my husband what I had been processing through therapy and in my time with Jesus— it was so hard. It was hard because it brings up pain and it brings up unfinished business. It brings up a well of emotion that is so overwhelming. I pushed past the tears and pushed past the fears and just told him how I have been feeling for a long time. I felt so good. I felt relieved. I felt like I had opened myself to receive a new level of love and care from my husband because I let him into a really deep part of me. Now I’m not saying that my husband doesn’t know me at all because lord knows HE KNOWS ME. What I’m saying is, that he got to see the reason behind why I say the things I say and react the way I react. It’s because I was afraid. I lived in fear. Fear of feeling rejected, fear of losing him or another loved one in the future, and fear of unknown futures. I told him that I don’t want to live this way any longer. I know in my heart that Jesus is enough, that I am a daughter of Christ that He is so faithful and loves me so much. However, after my dad passed away something happened that disconnected my heart from my thought process.
I know I am going to be okay and I live a beautiful life with my husband, family and friends. Wholeness looks and feels different for everyone, but I am hopeful that my experience and thoughts spark something in you, whoever you are reading this. I hope you find your own wholeness in life. Not that I’ve attained this, but I am well on my way to wholeness. I know that living a holistic life is possible.