The Heart of a Dad Through the Eyes of a Child

I lost my dad. Twice. At the age of seven and again at twenty-seven. When a seven-year old and his five-year-old brother, experience dad moving out of their home, the loss is severe, and the impact is life altering. Sadly, we were so young, and life was just getting started, so the loss and impact was actually unknown. How could a seven and five-year old have any understanding of what was being lost by not experiencing the heart of a dad in the home? The void of his presence, the strength of his hugs, the coming alongside in learning, the words of encouraging wisdom from a man’s perspective would be benefits observed in the homes of our childhood friends.  

 Separated life with dad was not perfect, but thankfully it was not lacking in genuineness. I knew I was loved, but from a distance. Then, twenty years later he would leave again.  This time it would be cancer that stole him away. However, “this time” the loss and impact would be known. There would be choices to make, decisions about life and career, challenges with the inevitable storms on the horizon. All of it, seemingly, would have been helped from having knowledge that comes from the heart and wisdom of a dad. This time gone forever. Or so it seemed in the moment. And then it happened.

 I became one. A dad.

I’m not a psychologist, a marriage and family counselor, or a child specialist. I’m a Dad.  I’m not perfect, I have made mistakes and I’m sure I will make mistakes in the future. I’m human. I’m a Dad. My children don’t expect me to be perfect, in fact they know I am not. Over the years they have come to understand the true heart of a dad by watching me navigate life in my imperfection. Truth be told, what was lost in my lack of understanding of what a dad’s heart should look like was discovered and forged through the eyes and understanding of my children. Here are a few things they have taught me:

1.     Being present, available, listening, watching, attentive and aware were advantages unknown to me as a young boy. My children have shown me that there is strength and confidence gained in healthy and safe environments. Learning through challenges and processing of thoughts and ideas are necessary disciplines of life.

2.     Teach by words and by actions. Be real. Be genuine. Never forget there are eyes watching and learning. Minds that are taking it all in. My children have learned how to handle the challenges of life by watching how life’s challenges were being handled. Perfection is not the goal but rather how to navigate life in an imperfect world is.

3.     Unconditional Love is not a feeling but rather a statement of commitment and action. It is unselfish. It is an awareness that every goal, every objective, every purpose in life is ultimately for the benefit of someone else. No matter what has been done, no matter the failure, love is never withheld or denied. True love does not come with conditions.

 The heart of a dad is a gift given to children that should never be abandoned or stolen. Understanding the heart of a dad is a gift given back to him through the eyes and hearts of his children. Valuable gifts in both directions.

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Mike Larkin

Mike is a business leader in the for-profit and non-profit sectors, a professor on campus and on-line, a leader globally and in the local community, in an ever changing world and culture. With two constants: Faith and Family. And he’s a proud dad!

When You're a Dad to a Daughter and You Question Your Abilities , Guest Writer: Regan

July 22nd 2016. My wife and I go to another checkup appointment with the OB/GYN. She is 6 days away from her due date and everything is running smoothly. She feels good, the baby is healthy, and we excited to be parents in 6 days. After the standard protein tests the doctor nonchalantly says “you’ve got some protein in your urine. So we are going to induce you. See you up at the hospital”. All of the sudden the pressures of becoming a parent come crashing down and I am sitting there wondering if I have what it takes after all. 

Being a dad is the greatest adventure one could ask for. Yet, there is nothing that can surface the insecurities of a generally secure a man like parenthood. Will my daughter like me? Will she always just want mom (still a struggle)? Will I know how to engage and play with a toddler girl that doesn’t seem interested in action movies or sports? 

My father loved me with his whole heart, but was not the most active with my brothers and I as kids. He simply didn’t know how to play with kids. He was raised on a family ranch by his grandparents working long hours at an early age. As an adult, I can acknowledge my desires as a kid for my dad to play with me. Yet, he rarely did. He was by no means a bad dad. He loved me with his whole heart. He encouraged me. He supported me. He loves our time together as adults. But there is a longing in a kid to play with dad. So I resolved to be a fun dad. To wrestle with my kids. To teach them how to throw a ball or ride a bike. And, if I had a daughter, to get fully engaged in the tea parties and nail paintings. Talk about a pride eliminator for a ranch kid from Wyoming. Painting nails…that has become one of my many skills. 

There was a learning curve for me when Hadley was born. For instance, I didn’t know there was a very specific direction that baby girls had to be wiped in order to prevent infections. YIKES. I was not the most help with the newborn phase. I tried. I changed diapers. I rocked Hadley when she was upset. But, I can’t breastfeed which not only helps when she needed to eat but also was the trick to getting her to sleep. Also, I had to go back to work full-time while my wife stayed home. Thus, Hadley grew what felt like a deeper attachment to Cassandra than to myself. To top it off, as Hadley began saying more words she started saying “Mom” right away. However, instead of saying “Dad” she picked up “Regan”. She calls me “Dad” about twice per week, but since everyone else calls me “Regan” why not her. Between her not referring to me as “Dad” and always wanting Cassandra when she is sad/hurt/hungry/anything else I began to build some insecurities on my ability to father well.
I’ve had to intentionally spend time praying over these insecurities; that they would not take root and God would continually speak truth over my fathering. I’ve had to allow God to father me well so I can father my own child well. I’ve had to face the truth that I am not a perfect dad, but that gives me opportunity to do better. Hadley loves me very much. She is excited to show me her achievements; how many stairs she can safely jump down, her drawings, her ability to run full speed into the street and make me chase her in a panic. Hadley knows she is the apple of my eye. 

I believe most dads struggle with insecurities regarding their parenting. Especially when they have daughters. Dads don’t talk about it often. But we are always wondering if we are as good as mom. The lesson God his teaching me is to stop comparing myself with Cassandra. Women bear the image of God differently than men. They parent differently. And the connection they form with their children is different. That is the way God designed it. My identity is not based on my daughter’s love for Cassandra. My identity isn’t even based on her love for me. My identity is found in being a child, fathered by God. Out of that I am able to love my daughter, father her, play with her, protect her, provide for her, and be “Regan” to her. 

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Regan Pickerel

Regan Pickrel is the senior pastor at Gillette Foursquare Church in Gillette, Wyoming. Regan married Cassandra October 18, 2013 and they have one child; Hadley Marie Pickrel.

Here's the crash Course on being a Dad: Be a Dad, Guest Writer: Alan Clother

I’m a dad. I make dad jokes. 

As a dad when my kids were young, I did the dad things. I suppose I was a good dad, or maybe not. I could have been better. 

When our son was born, we decided Cynthia would be a stay at home mom. I worked hard and built my career to provide income for the family. Each house we lived in needed tons of work that we did ourselves. I drove a used Pinto station wagon with wood sides for 10 years to save money. One year I was Cub Master for the Scout troop, an Elder at church, and a new manager at work besides the house remodeling. Thank God for time management!

Somewhere in the middle of all that busyness, I was a dad. Sometimes present, sometimes absent, busy with this or that.

When my kids were 4 and 7, my older neighbor was watching me meticulously scraping and sanding the paint on our garage door. He came over and remarked “I will never be able to see all the work you are putting into your paint job from across the street, but your kids will see whether you are choosing to spend this time with them.” Ouch. 

And I tried to be less of a perfectionist when it came to my projects, and more available when it came to my kids; still filling every nook and cranny of my schedule.

After I took a new job across town, the commute was killing our family time. In our kid’s teenage years we decided to move to a neighborhood near my office so I could always be close at hand and home for dinner. And my kids could show up at the office if they ever needed anything.

During those years, I wanted to take more opportunity to speak into my kids’ lives, but I also encouraged them to speak into mine, even calling me out if I was being a jerk about something. I was sometimes.

My daughter listened to my struggles at work and church and challenged me to make the right decisions after she’d heard me complain about the same thing enough times. And she would come to me with her struggles.

My son would teach me how to engage when I was distracted by the worries of work and church leadership.” Tell me about your day, Dad. I want to hear all the details.” And in turn I would then ask about his.

My daughter’s friends that had no dad, or a crappy dad, sometimes “adopted” me as their second dad and I “adopted” them. My best friend left his wife, and we stood with her and the kids. They are my kids. And I started building dad momentum.

Looking back at our childhood parenting years, sometimes I think we screwed up our kids as much as we helped them. But we all still love each other, so I guess we did OK. If nothing else, they have modeled forgiveness as we stumbled through being parents. 

When my son struggled with mental health last year, he took time away from his wife and three kids to live with us for two months. We went for walks on the beach and he shared his inner dialogues that drove him to consider suicide. I had experienced my own deep depression some years ago, and could relate to the feelings of hopelessness and speak my own experiences into his. I would ask questions, explore his feelings, right-size his observations, be open, trusted, answer questions. I simply needed to be there with him. He did not need to walk this journey alone. And I was honored to be a part of his life, to be there as his dad.

It has taken me some years of practice to slow down and be a dad that’s present. These days, I can have long talks pretty much any day of the week with my kids. That is a blessing. I love being their dad. Our kids are some of our best friends. And our “adopted” kids are many of our friends, too.

So what makes a good dad? I suppose it’s someone with your best interests in mind, that will be there when you need them and not when you don’t. Someone who gives you space to grow, to be you, keeping watch from the background alert for danger.

The role of a dad is an honor to me. To have youngsters who are willing and even eager to talk with me and allow me to pour into their life is a gift. And I continue to “adopt” kids. I enjoy the many young friends we have in our life, and as they have kids, I’m adopting grandkids now!

For those reading this and your dad has let you down, cut them some slack and love them anyway. They are on a life journey of learning, too. And they won’t learn without someone speaking into their life.

If you don’t have a dad, or you could use a second dad, adopt one that you respect. It will honor him and bring new life to both of you.

If you want to experience a peace that passes all understanding, deepen your relationship with God the Father. He will adopt you as His own daughter or son. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 

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Alan Clother

Alan is the Director at Rescue Mission Alliance in Oxnard, CA. He is originally from the beautiful green state of Oregon with a background in engineering and ministry.

Find him on IG and FB.