Weaving In and Out of Grief for What Slowly Feels Like Forever

Something new and exciting happens and the words “I can’t wait to tell my mom” are on the tip of my tongue. But, it’s been a few years since she passed, I thought I’ve worked through this!

With no apparent reason, a childhood memory flashes across my mind and makes me smile while my eyes water. But, it’s been almost 7 years since she passed, where did that come from?

Our favorite song comes on while I’m driving and I so clearly picture her singing it. But, It’s been 10 years since she passed, pull yourself together!

Can you relate to thinking “When will I stop getting caught of guard by grief?”

They come and go, the “missing them” moments. Right when you think you’ve looked at the picture of them long enough, ignored the pain long enough, or opened up enough to your trusted friends, the feelings come back like unpredictable weather.

It often makes me feel like I am weak, dramatic, a mess, crazy, the negative words could go on.

But what you lost was not your phone, a car key, or a debit card. What you lost was a HUMAN, on top of that a human you loved.

As I write these words to you, I am swallowing them as well.

Don’t fight the moments you feel heavy due to missing them (I know it’s hard). Let it be, because the more you resist, I think, the more hurt will be done to the process of becoming your healthiest self and feeling hopeful. Yes it feels vulnerable and maybe daunting because you’re nervous of overwhelming and heavy feelings, but this healing thing is not a sprint. This is not a marathon. Sprints and marathons end, but healing will continue for the rest of your life.

So many times I think I can heal from the loss of my mom (who I had with me on earth for almost 19 years) the same way I work through other challenges…quickly. If you give me a task I am really good at getting it done as fast as possible. If I have a goal, it pretty much becomes my life. I’m an all in kind of gal. More and more I have realized that I am in this healing journey for the long haul, it is the rest of my life. Therefore I’ll be weaving in and out of grief as long as I am alive.

Like weaving, grief and life will be intertwined, combining elements of sadness and joy and ultimately making something new out of materials that you would have never had before.

 

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Comments (6)

  • Courtney Nestor 3 months ago Reply

    this happens ALL the time and I think those thoughts to myself too. When Journey comes on… the tears come! And I sing as loud as I can with tears flowing down because that’s the only other thing I know to do and what always seems to just work for me.

    Love you cec. We are in this together, forever!

    Ceci
    Ceci 3 months ago Reply

    Aw journey! Thanks Court, so thankful for you 😘

  • Jessica Eichman 3 months ago Reply

    This is so beautifully written. I was just telling my friend about this feeling and how hard it can be but also so precious and sweet.
    Love you!

    Ceci
    Ceci 3 months ago Reply

    Thank you for reading, that means so much! It’s so true. Love you too!

  • Melissa McRill 3 months ago Reply

    It’s crazy that I think to myself so often, ”no one understands…” and then BAM! Someone puts words to my experience, I am so grateful to you ladies for leading the way in this journey and for making it more bearable.😘

    Ceci
    Ceci 3 months ago Reply

    Thank you for reading Melissa! Remember you’re never alone. It’s so comforting to find each other and keep each other up! xoxo

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