What is EMDR Therapy and Why I Tried It, Guest Writer: Whitney

When my beautiful friend Katie told me that light therapy had helped heal her trauma and related behaviors, I was more than a bit skeptical. You're telling me a shade of blue helped you overcome your trauma and pain??? I could hear the twilight theme song in my head...  ETT or Emotional Transformation Therapy (Vasquez, 1991) is a type of therapy that uses peripheral eye movement and hues of color to heal the fractures in the brain caused by traumatic somatic or interpersonal events.

Here is why I tried it…

I have seen those around me who I trust and who have served the same sentence of grief and loss as me, be transformed, find hope, and begin to trust they can have happiness without the looming fear of losing a loved one again. I wanted that, I wanted to be free from the chains of grief ignored.  I started on my journey about 4 years after my father's sudden death. I became desperate for relief from the growing anxiety and fear of losing everyone I loved. I had chosen to cope with apathy, and had been and still struggle with low grade depression and lack of motivation. Getting out of bed was now an obstacle and I felt subconsciously, what’s the point if we all meet our end? I cannot escape the painful knowledge that all those I love cannot avoid an end.  My anxiety began to bleed into parts of my life where I was completely safe, panicking at work, wanting to stay home instead of go out because of the “what ifs”. Thinking thoughts like,“what if me wanting to take this trip in the mountains makes something terrible happen to us, it would be my fault because I know the risk. If you are like me who is still working to overcome this, you may find hope in healing your brain through light.  I know, I know.. Hear me out.

A little Science…

Dr Steven Vasquez (1991) developed the ETT theory (Emotional Transformation Therapy) and model using various realms of science for example, neurobiology, quantum physics, and optometry (Good Therapy, 2016). Basically when the brain goes through a traumatic event to self preserve, it splits and compartmentalizes the pain to protect itself. This pain is often stored in different compartments of the brain (Vasques, 1991). This made sense to me considering I would see an animal commercial and feel grief or feel anger instead of sadness at an unexpected or unwanted ending of a movie made me feel emotions I was desperately trying to sleep through. I began to cut out whatever would make me feel so that I did not have those pesky “surprise” emotions or I would stop doing things I love so I would not feel anxiety. I began to numb out and escape, the joy of life fading with sleep and monotony. With almost 30 years of research there has been shown a very positive correlation with ETT and rapid healing from traumatic somatic or interpersonal events.

Bring it home..

I remember exactly where I was and how I started to drown in my emotions when I found out my dad had passed away.  It was sudden and he was gone before any of us even knew something happened to him. I was planning my wedding and was overwhelmed with what felt like a robbery of what was supposed to be mine. I was supposed  to have my dad walk me down the aisle. In more recent events, with the tragic and senseless murder or George Floyd, the global pandemic, and the daily stresses and fears of being a new mother, I have felt an overwhelming sense of depression. My dad was supposed to be there for the birth of my daughter. Before I was pregnant I had started receiving ETT therapy and it was apparent within moments of my first session that this method was a game changer. I felt hope not only that I could survive loss but that I could feel joy and start to risk again, that I could start to participate with my life and live again. I stopped while I was pregnant because I became severely sick until the end of my pregnancy but started again after to help battle the gloom of postpartum depression. Almost 8 months into my being a mother and I adore our Lydia but I have struggled deeply.  My fear of losing my daughter in any way choked the motivation of daily life right out of me. I began ETT and experienced immediate results for my struggles. I  am beginning to connect with my body and spirituality in a new and fresh way, I can feel God again, I can experience peace and Godly motivation. I can have trust again.  

A Word Of Caution:

This is my research (which I will link below) and my experience. I feel that ETT has completely changed my brain and life but therapy and therapists are like a pair of shoes, they must fit. Be aware that if you struggle with seizures, this may not be for you, I am not a therapist nor am I a doctor so always consult before you jump in.  Be aware it is ok for a type of therapy to not be “the one”. If you are dealing with the pain of loss, be gracious with yourself and give this a try, if not, healing is out there and our savior has it in store for you. 

We were not promised forever, or that everyday would be utopia, ice cream, and unicorns, but there is hope for a better day if you have struggled with loss like I have, I only wish you success and integration as we journey together toward true peace and wholeness. May we live after experiencing someone die. Reach out for more information and resources. With love and abundance,

-Whit Chrisman

B.A. in Transformational Ministry , M.A. in Psychology 

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Whitney Chrisman

Hi, I am Whitney and my passion is people and their behaviors. I have a side passion for decor and environmental mastery. I have the joy of being the mother of Lydia Marie and lover to my husband, the person who knows the deepest parts of my being. I look forward to mastering the art of being with you.

wtyler991@gmail.com

Good Therapy, 2016 : Emotional Transformation Therapy (ETT) retrieved from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/emotional-transformation-therapy

A New Paradigm for PTSD Treatment: Emotional Transformation Therapy™ by Steven Vazquez, Ph.D. Retrieved from: https://ettia.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/A-New-Paradigm-for-PTSD-Treatment-ETT.pdf

Vazquez, S. R. (n.d.). Peripheral Light Stimulation for Rapid Emotional, Somatic and Transpersonal Regulation. Subtle Energies & Energy Medicine, 16(3). Retrieved from: https://journals.sfu.ca/seemj/index.php/seemj/article/viewFile/58/46

Knowing Your Role in Your Grieving Spouse's Healing Journey, Guest Writer: Kyle (My husband!)

When I’m getting to know a new person, and they ask me about myself, it generally doesn’t take too long before I start talking about my wife. As I share bits and pieces of her life, I’m often met with the response, “Wow, it sounds like she has such a crazy story.” To which I reply, ”Yeah, she wrote a book about it. You should check it out.”

If you have followed Ceci, and “Healing, Hope and Wholeness”, you are probably pretty familiar with her story. During her book writing process, and even now as she continues to share her grief journey, I have walked through her story dozens of times; proofreading, editing, formatting and processing the whole experience with her. I may know her story as well as I know my own!

They say when you marry a person, you marry their whole family. I believe when you marry someone you also marry their grief. I don’t mean that as a negative. In fact, it's one of my greatest honors to know and feel my wife’s sorrows. It’s every bit as sweet as sharing in her joy. It is all a part of the person that I love.

I never met Ceci’s mom, Cathy, but I came so close. For one day we were actually on the same tiny, college campus. In all likelihood, we were in the same room! If only I had known what the future would hold, I would have dropped everything to have just one conversation with her. A few months later, as I was just becoming friends with Ceci, Cathy passed away. After that school semester I moved away, and it would be two years before Ceci and I reconnected and started dating. As a new college friend, I had seen her from the outskirts during the season of fresh grief. As her new boyfriend, I began to learn what that season was truly like for her and what life and grief looked like for her now. Over the past 9 years since we first started dating, each momentous occasion has carried with it the weight of her mom’s absence. Our joys have been shared with sorrows and together we’ve learned to navigate that tension. I’m still learning.

For starters, I’ve learned that there is no correct method to support a grieving spouse. Grief ebbs and flows like the wind and the way we respond will vary too. It takes work and attentiveness. That being said, if you love someone who is grieving, have grace for yourself. Nothing you do or say will solve the problem and that’s not your job. Your job is to love them and the fact that they are married to you tells me you are on the right track.

90% of supporting a grieving spouse is listening. Really listening. If you are going to speak into their life, you need to know where they are in that moment. As my wife shares her heart with me, I can be tempted to start thinking about my response. I mean, I don’t want to say the wrong thing or be insensitive. But, I’ve found that when I’m able to tune that part of my brain out and focus on what she is saying, my responses are more loving and life giving. When I listen well, I’m able to interpret her needs, and use the remaining 10% of time to meet those needs.

Most of the time, I find that all she needs is to be understood and for her feelings to be validated. She needs to know she’s not alone. In this case my response is, almost always, simple. “It’s not fair.” “It’s ok to still be sad.” “You can always talk to me.” “I love you.” I try to always end by thanking her for sharing with me. Her vulnerability is a gift and I truly am thankful.

On occasion, I will dig deeper. If she shares a memory, I might pull on it a little for more detail and a better understanding of her and her mom. If she is struggling to understand why she’s feeling a certain way, I’ll ask questions and try to figure it out with her. It may be easier to just stick with the empathetic responses, but I believe that, as her husband, I’ve been given an opportunity to come alongside her and take an active part in her healing journey. Apart from Ceci herself, there’s no one who has a larger stake in the state of her heart than me. Our stories have melded into one over the years; different pasts but a shared future. I want to do what I can to fill that future with life and joy. 

Enjoy this poem written by Kyle Frost:

I wear it like a coat.

Heavy a times, but hanging on my shoulders at my own choosing.

Not that I chose it.

It was a gift from my love, but she didn’t know if I would want it.

Why shouldn’t I? It is so warm.

Filled with many memories.

Now and then I can feel the sharp point of one poking through.

I gently pull on it, watching it unfurl before me.

I cherish every one.

Each time, my coat becomes lighter. By a feather.

It will never become weightless, I know,

Nor do I want it to.

It’s weight reminds me of the giver.

• Kyle Frost

How to Create a Safe Space for Your Grieving Spouse, Guest Writer: Colleen Kuzma

 In 1994 my husband, a pastor, officiated his own brothers funeral. His brother, Leroy, was 33 at the time and left behind a wife and 4 daughters. Heartbreaking. I thought how strong my husband is that he could be the rock for his family and perform this gift for his brother. When the funeral was done and everyone was outside, he collapsed in a heap, crying uncontrollably behind the podium. I was grateful to witness this extreme emotion of humanity regarding such loss and love. 

  In 2015 we said so many heartbreaking goodbyes. In March, we left our home church  that my husband had been on staff for 29 years, so he could go to work with our Denomination. My sister in law unexpectedly passed in April leaving behind a husband and two little kids. My husband's mom passed in May due to cancer, and then we moved East in August. Within those first two years there would be a total of 8 funerals including both my husbands and 6 months later my best friend. 

     My husband was a wreck. He continued working but he had a very hard time processing so much loss.  I didn’t work right away, which was not by choice; now looking back, it was a gift to be home and be present for my husband and son. We would take weekend drives exploring the countryside in our new state, and attend local events. 

 As mentioned earlier, I received word that my best friend had passed away both suddenly and unexpectedly in September 2016. Her second daughter was to be married in her home state of Hawaii in just two months. 

     I started asking God questions, it was all too painful to think about or process…

How can this be? This is not possible, this is not fair. What will her daughter do? How will her family navigate this? God how could you let this happen? How can her daughter not have her mama present at her wedding when it is so close? 

      My husband stayed with me in our bed and just held me. He would clear his schedule where he could so he could be home with me. When he had to leave he checked in and called when he was returning home. He held me often over those next few weeks. He let me set the pace, he listened. His presence and his touch were so comforting.

 So how might one help a grieving spouse?

• Regardless of how strong they appear, be ready to assist them

• Non sexual personal touch

• Be present

• Listen, let the grieving spouse share their stories

• Ask, how can I help you?

• Check in by phone, text, email

• Let the grieving spouse set the pace

 Sometimes grief requires outside help ie. multiple sorrowful events, the inability to move forward in life, engaging in risky/detrimental behaviors. There is no shame in asking for help. Create an atmosphere for your spouse where they feel supported in expressing their grief and vulnerability.

Through my personal story of the multiple losses I’ve experienced I’ve learned:

• God is with us in our grief 

• God provides

• God is a light in our darkness

How to Support Your Grieving Spouse for the Long Hall, Guest Writer: Eric Nestor

When I first met Courtney I was initially drawn to her kindness and beautiful smile. As we became friends I realized that her smile didn’t come without pain.

Through social media I found out that her father had passed away because every Father’s Day, on her dad’s birthday and day of passing she would usually post something about it. I initially was saddened at the thought that someone whom I knew had lost a parent, something I know is tough for anyone to go through. When we began dating it was a topic that she wasn’t shy or hesitant to talk about however I didn’t know how to proceed when the subject came up. As time went on and we were further in our relationship I would casually ask questions about her dad. I’d ask what he was like, what his personality was like and what sport teams he liked (hoping she would say the dodgers when it came to baseball).

As we got engaged and married I would always stay quiet when she would speak about her dad because tears would ensue.  I know it was really difficult for her in the weeks and months leading up to our wedding because her dad wasn’t there to see us get married and walk her down the aisle. I simply didn’t know what to do or say in those moments so I didn’t say or do anything at all. I wanted to fix the situation but there was nothing to fix. 

I’ve learned a few things from dating, being engaged and now married to someone who has lost a father.

Here are a few:

-I’ve learned to ask questions, at the right moments. So I asked her if there was something she needed from me, which may sound silly but by asking we were both able to understand where we were each coming from.

-I explained that this was also new to me and I wasn’t sure what to do, if anything at all. My wife wanted me to listen and be there for her in moments where she remembered her father. She wanted me to hug her, cry with her, feel with her.  Like literally be physically and emotionally present in those moments, without saying anything but hugging her and listening to her remember her father.

I understand that everyone is different and others may desire something different from their spouse or partner to help grieve. Everyone grieves very differently and sometimes people on the out side can say and/or do the wrong things in an attempt to help. At times, to fill the awkwardness people say the wrong things and cause more damage than good.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one, instead of doing or saying something I’d encourage you to simply be there for them, hug them, cry with them, listen to them in that very moment when he or she is remembering their loved one. Then when the moment is right, ask appropriate questions.

A few questions that I’ve asked are:

• Though it’s painful, do you like when I ask about your dad and ask you to tell me what he was like?

• Is there something you want to do to remember your dad (especially on holidays)?

• What do you think your dad would’ve done in this situation?

I’ve learned that my wife does want to share about her father to me, her husband, though it may be difficult at times. I understand others may not want want to share as much or at all depending on the type of relationship they had with their parent. We never know how to proceed unless we ask. Asking key questions at the right moments can help those people in our lives who are grieving the loss of a parent. 

Now every year on her dad’s birthday and father’s day we do something special. We remember her father by eating good food because he loved to barbecue and getting pizookies because he loved desserts. I ask my wife to tell me stories about her father. I love being able to celebrate the life that my father in law lived through my wife. I hope this has been helpful for you. 

I have thought about my own grief journey with not having a father in law. It's difficult for me to put into words my feelings towards my own grief journey because coming into marriage I didn't have any specific expectations of my in-laws. What I can say is my grieving is done through my wife and what she feels. When we first met and I heard my wife's story of losing her father I was initially saddened on a level that I think anyone would feel who hears a story of loss. As our feelings grew for each other, we got engaged and married I was also grieving the loss of her father because I so deeply care for my wife. I never met her father and don't have a personal attachment to him but I do have an attachment and deep love for my wife so what makes her grieve makes me grieve. Of course I'm not saying I grieve to the level that my wife grieves, her and I don't grieve the same because we've had different experiences and we grieve very different in general. I grieve the loss of my wife's father because I see the pain that it has caused and still causes her. I grieve because the stories I hear my wife share about her dad makes me think about how great it would've been to meet him and have him be a part of our lives as a married couple. Things that my wife says her dad "loved" like sports, good food and coffee we do in remembrance of him which is how I also grieve along with my wife. I never thought grief could be "transferred" but I've experienced this for the first time. I love my wife dearly, therefore I grieve when she grieves.  

EN

Weaving In and Out of Grief for What Slowly Feels Like Forever

Something new and exciting happens and the words “I can’t wait to tell my mom” are on the tip of my tongue. But, it’s been a few years since she passed, I thought I’ve worked through this!

With no apparent reason, a childhood memory flashes across my mind and makes me smile while my eyes water. But, it’s been almost 7 years since she passed, where did that come from?

Our favorite song comes on while I’m driving and I so clearly picture her singing it. But, It’s been 10 years since she passed, pull yourself together! Can you relate to thinking “When will I stop getting caught of guard by grief?”

They come and go, the “missing them” moments. Right when you think you’ve looked at the picture of them long enough, ignored the pain long enough, or opened up enough to your trusted friends, the feelings come back like unpredictable weather. It often makes me feel like I am weak, dramatic, a mess, crazy, the negative words could go on. But what you lost was not your phone, a car key, or a debit card. What you lost was a HUMAN, on top of that a human you loved.

As I write these words to you, I am swallowing them as well. Don’t fight the moments you feel heavy due to missing them (I know it’s hard). Let it be, because the more you resist, I think, the more hurt will be done to the process of becoming your healthiest self and feeling hopeful. Yes it feels vulnerable and maybe daunting because you’re nervous of overwhelming and heavy feelings, but this healing thing is not a sprint. This is not a marathon. Sprints and marathons end, but healing will continue for the rest of your life.

So many times I think I can heal from the loss of my mom (who I had with me on earth for almost 19 years) the same way I work through other challenges…quickly. If you give me a task I am really good at getting it done as fast as possible. If I have a goal, it pretty much becomes my life. I’m an all in kind of gal. More and more I have realized that I am in this healing journey for the long haul, it is the rest of my life. Therefore I’ll be weaving in and out of grief as long as I am alive.

Like weaving, grief and life will be intertwined, combining elements of sadness and joy and ultimately making something new out of materials that you would have never had before.  

Music for the Grieving and the Heavy Heart

As a songwriter, melodies and words have been a powerful tool of healing and comfort to me. After my mom passed away, a friend gave me a CD with her favorite songs that brought comfort to her when her mom passed. That is when music carried me through my nights of grief. I’d play that CD on repeat, while waiting for daylight because there is something trying about the darkness while you’re struggling. Sometimes it felt like the writer knew what I was thinking but didn’t know how to say.Sometimes we need to be reminded of of truths we know deep down but are hard to believe in a moment of heaviness. Sometimes it feels like they are speaking directly to us, and we feel seen.To read more about music and psychology check out this article from Psychology Today.Here are some of my favorite songs for those who are grieving or who have a heavy heart:

• Satisfied in You- The Sing Team

• Shepherd of My Soul- Rivers & Robots

• Weep With Me- Rend Collective

• Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus-Lauren Daigle

• Rest In You-All Sons & Daughters

• Soft Gentle Brilliant-Corey Kilgannon

• As Long as I Have You I’m Home-Imaginary Future

• The Sun Will Rise-Jenny & Tyler

• Dear Mom- Becca and Ceci

• The Secret Place-Phil Wickham

• Doubter’s Prayer-Corey Kilgannon

• It is Well With My Soul-Phil Wickham

• Beauty for Ashes - Chris McClarney

• Stars-Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

If you use Spotify here is my playlist.To hear some of my own songs check them out in my shop.I'd love to hear what music moves you?You are not alone.

Photo credit: Sarah Jensen 

Creative Ways to Honor Your Deceased Loved One After Cremation

Your loved one just passed and maybe they requested to be cremated but they didn’t have any comments on what to do after with the ashes. First off, I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to say the least, and it can be challenging to make decisions right after.

On my mom’s 8 year mark of passing, my dad, my husband and I spread her ashes in the desert, on of her favorite places. I remember as I scooped her ashes over a dirt hillside on a sunny day, the feelings of vulnerability and closeness came over me. Physically, it feels like you can’t get closer than holding their ashes, after the loss of a loved one. It felt surreal. You may find yourself not ready to do anything with their ashes, for various reasons.

Maybe you feel like you’re letting them go, maybe you want the moment to be perfect, maybe it’s hard to come to a decisions because there are multiple people involved, or maybe you’re afraid of disappointing them. I believe there is something freeing and powerful when a physical action is done in response to an emotional occurrence. It’s like connecting your heart and head. Whether you honor them with their ashes 5, 10, 20 years later, or honor them in short ways over the course of time, I highly encourage you to step into that direction of healing. Remember, you are not alone.

Ashes remind us of what was, and what we no longer have. Ashes take what we used to know, physically, and challenge our mind to look at it differently.

Therefore, what we knew is not completely gone, it’s different. Ashes represent stories, moments, and life. While the topic is painful, I believe something can be made beautiful out of ashes. Here are some ideas of ways to respect and honor your loved one with their ashes:

• Create and order custom jewelry made of their ashes or that holds a tiny bit of their ashes:

  • Close by Me Jewelry, “Close by Me Jewelry is a unique, non-traditional, and beautiful way to remember the essence of a departed loved one. Whether you have lost a family member, friend or pet, designer Gina Murphy utilizes ashes (cremated remains) set in sterling silver and 14K gold to create an elegant keepsake that will last forever.”

  • Sugarberry Memorials, “I started making cremation jewelry in 2016, as I wanted something to hold the ashes of my daughter who passed away during my pregnancy in 2010. I work very hard to make sure that I have the most affordable, most unique, and easiest process available for those who are going through loss.”

  • Lovely Little Acorns, “My Etsy shop has always been centered around jewelry with meaning. I lost my father in early 2017, and much of that year was spent dealing with the complicated emotions that grief stirs up. I started making memorial jewelry in mid-2018, and I do like knowing that I can offer people something beautiful to honor a memory and perhaps ease the grieving process. My customers sometimes share stories and pictures with me, and I am touched that they have chosen me to be a small part of their journey."

• Scatter the ashes at a place that they loved:

  • Such as their favorite hike or desert, ocean, forest, etc..

  • Mark your location on your phone so you’ll always be able to re-vist the location

  • Use their ashes to create a new garden or add it to an already existing garden

  • Schedule a boat ride with friends to have a ceremony on the ocean while spreading their ashes into the sea

  • Create a box or urn yourself to hold the ashes before you bury them

While we try to figure out life after loss, can we be real?

We ultimately just want to feel better and not feel pain?

We feel the tension between wanting to never forget, and never losing them all while learning to live forward.

But the best gift we have is looking in the mirror and seeing them as a part of us, looking around and seeing their legacy, and looking back and seeing what they taught us.

Photocredit: Katie Long

How to Keep Your Memories Alive, Guest Writer: Sandy Harris

I started my journey to create Sandra’s Heart Art with a quest to help others keep their memories alive and present in their everyday lives.  My journey was a long one.  Putting my dreams on hold to care for my handicapped daughter and then my elderly parents I never thought much about “memories”.  I was too busy being a caregiver - always thinking there would be a tomorrow.

After my mom passed, I was sitting in what was her living room and I was overcome by “the missing”.  I never look at death of a loved one as a loss – more a missing.  I know I will see her again, but at that moment, I felt so sad and missed her so much.  I looked around her living room and saw a shadow-box mirror that had many of her “trinkets” on displayed.  I knew that soon I would have to pack away those treasures of hers and tuck those memories away. That made me even sadder.

I gathered some of her treasures and added them to a heart box I had-thinking I would tuck it away and be able to look at it from time to time.  Then I thought why couldn’t I pick out some of her very special treasures and display them.  So I decorated the box and displayed my mom’s treasures in a vignette that reminded me of her.  By placing some of her favorite things in a display, I was able to put that heart box on a shelf at work or home and remember my mom with a smile instead of tears.  Looking at it just made me happy – the memories made the missing easier.

Many people asked me about the heart box and wanted one of their own.  Not just for a parent who had died but for a baby’s birth, weddings, anniversaries, and memorials (I even had the pleasure of creating a memorial for a wonderful woman who had lost both her dogs).  It is not always about loss – having “Heart Art” around is more of a way to keep any memory alive and present in our everyday life. 

Sandra.jpg

18 Coping Skills to Help Ease the Waves of Grief

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist I see the effects of losing a loved one and the grief that washes over them, like waves of the ocean.  None of us choose to go through grief, it just lands on our doorstep, on an ordinary day and leaves sadness and sometimes hopelessness behind.

Grief is our natural response to losing a loved one and there are some basic stages we sometimes go through. These stages can include Bargaining, Denial, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. They come in no particular order and just when you think you have made it through a stage..bam the wave crashes again and you are back to where you started.

To ease the incoming waves of grief here are a few resources I’d like to share with you that can help you cope. They are in no way the fix for grief but may be helpful. Therapists call these coping skills and they are anything that gives you a moment of peace. A moment when you can breathe in and release a small bit of the grief. This is just the beginning of a list you can create for yourself. If you google “coping skills” you will find hundreds of ideas.  The coping skills I am listing have helped my clients to regain some peace in their lives.

1. Take a walk

2. Meet a friend for coffee or tea

3. Talk to a trusted friend

4. Pray

5. Rest

6. Eat healthy foods

7. Cry – tears are healing

8. Breathe

9. Be patient with yourself

10. Create Art – color, paint, draw, play with play dough

11. Attend grief counseling or a support group

12. Remember your loved one

13. Listen to music

14. Read your bible

15. Create a memory box

16. Sing your favorite song

17. Read your favorite magazine or book

18. Go to the beach or another favorite spot

There is no one way to grieve. Do what feels right for you. If you find yourself isolating or feeling depressed contact a therapist in your area.  You are not alone.  Give yourself time and the permission to grieve. Resources to help you cope with griefDebbie Ciulla LMFT #98887 – Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist(805)551-7957  therapydebb@gmail.com  www.ohanafamilycounseling.com

How to Set Yourself up for Emotional Healing and Wholeness, Guest Writer: Courtney Nestor

I lost my father 8 years ago on October 11th, 2009. He past away from a sudden stroke which was caused by a brain aneurism. I remember that day like it was yesterday, that day changed my life.

I was in Bible College when I met Ceci! I had people come and tell me that I needed to meet her because she had been through the loss of a parent recently. So we met and the rest is history! We’ve both been on this weird journey of grief together. I am SO grateful to have a friend who encourages me in the hard moments to reach for Jesus and allow myself to find healing, hope and wholeness. Let’s jump in.

The past 8 years my life has been full of ups and downs, good and not so good. I have lost loved ones and friends, made new friends, lost jobs, gotten better jobs and got married to the most wonderful and loving husband, Eric. Within these 8 years I have been learning about what my healing process looks like. By allowing God to bring hope into my life, I am truly ready to walk through the process towards wholeness. This idea of wholeness was scary for me, but I want to be a woman of God who seeks healing, finds hope and is found feeling whole in Christ. I have learned that by confronting my past pain and hurt, I now have positioned myself to experience true healing and wholeness.

I’m a HUGE fan of therapy. I believe that therapy can be life changing if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open to change. I see a therapist almost weekly and I am rocked in the best way after our session. I love inviting the Lord into this area of my healing. I believe that I can be changed by God when I choose to rely on Jesus and not allow my fears to take over my life. The Lord has been doing a work in my mind and my heart in regards to the grieving process and finding freedom. For me, the battle has been in my mind.

Through conversations with my husband, friends, and my therapist, I have realized that I have had hurts and negative thinking patterns for 8 years. However, did not have the language to express myself. I often would find myself being really frustrated in my thinking and actions. I know I can’t control what has happened in the past. However, I can control how I think and act now.

As a social worker, we study thought processes and one intervention is called Cognitive Behavioral therapy or CBT. In CBT, we help clients acknowledge their thought process and help guide them to change negative thinking into positive truths, which guide a changed thinking pattern, which ultimately will change their behavior. As I was learning about this intervention, I knew that I needed to change my thoughts. I needed to change the way I perceived the world and others around me. I knew deep in my heart and soul that I was on my way to finding wholeness.

I shared with my husband what I had been processing through therapy and in my time with Jesus— it was so hard. It was hard because it brings up pain and it brings up unfinished business. It brings up a well of emotion that is so overwhelming. I pushed past the tears and pushed past the fears and just told him how I have been feeling for a long time. I felt so good. I felt relieved. I felt like I had opened myself to receive a new level of love and care from my husband because I let him into a really deep part of me. Now I’m not saying that my husband doesn’t know me at all because lord knows HE KNOWS ME.

What I’m saying is, that he got to see the reason behind why I say the things I say and react the way I react. It’s because I was afraid. I lived in fear. Fear of feeling rejected, fear of losing him or another loved one in the future, and fear of unknown futures. I told him that I don’t want to live this way any longer. I know in my heart that Jesus is enough, that I am a daughter of Christ that He is so faithful and loves me so much. However, after my dad passed away something happened that disconnected my heart from my thought process.

I know I am going to be okay and I live a beautiful life with my husband, family and friends. Wholeness looks and feels different for everyone, but I am hopeful that my experience and thoughts spark something in you, whoever you are reading this. I hope you find your own wholeness in life. Not that I’ve attained this, but I am well on my way to wholeness. I know that living a holistic life is possible.

xo Courtney

How to Show You Care When Someone Is Grieving

 You want to help. Your heart breaks for them but you’re not sure how to go about it. What’s the line? What’s too much and what says, “It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t know how to be there”?When someone in your life experiences the death of someone in their life, how do you help or show you care? I think we all know the feeling of initially hearing about the loss, feeling sad for them, then we attend the funeral and then…..and then…then what?It’s a tricky place. I’ve seen a variety of responses with loosing my mom and watching others experience the death of a loved one. Some people completely back off from expressing or reaching out, or they say a platitude. Some people call, send a card, or show up with a meal. All of it, whether translated sensitively or not, I think, comes from a simple place of wanting to just be available and show they care.We don't naturally process death. When it happens our brain says "error, error, they were just physically here." Therefore knowing how to be there for someone who is grieving may not feel natural either.From my own grief journey, the people who didn't ask permission to show they care, are the people who made the biggest difference (love you all).Here's my thoughts:

• Remove feelings of needing to be strong or together for them. Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." People who expressed a combination of "I'm sorry and I miss them too," meant so much to me, because people bond over what they love, and you all loved the same person.

• If you don't know what to say, don't say anything (other than you care) because I think this is when platitudes happen. You know, those lines like, "At least...They're in a better place...I know exactly how you feel..." You don't have to say anything because words most likely, can't describe their pain, take away their pain or answer their questions. Just give them a hug.

• If they're deep in grief the chances are high that they don't have much of an appetite, but that doesn't mean they don't need to eat. Drop off their favorite snacks, or a gift card to their favorite restaurant.

• Figure out who's in charge of the memorial and get involved. Volunteers are always needed in cleanup. They may not remember that you cleaned up, but they will remember not having to do anything afterward because their friends took care of everything, so that they could go home and rest.

• Mail them a card, letting them know you're there when they're ready. Getting out, fresh air, and light activity is good for the brain and the heart. Offer to go for walks or bike rides, no talking necessary. A couple months later mail them another one.

• Remember that they are most likely hurting more than they are expressing. So keep tabs on them.

• Hang out and be okay with silence. Maybe they don't want to talk but they don't want to be alone.

• Just listen. Maybe they have a lot to get off their chest. Be the one person who just listens without giving advice. It may feel uncomfortable to just acknowledge the sadness without a resolution. But just be.

All in all everyone grieves differently. It's not black and white, there's no science and as much as we'd like to make a handbook for it, we're talking about humans. So it's going to be tricky.Acknowledge, listen, and be.

The Lovely Roller Coaster Called Grief

The one thing you can predict when it comes to the journey of grief is that it will be unpredictable. The most random and smallest sound, smell, or sight can push you emotionally. It’s typically when you least expect it. This is when you realize that you have memories—some that you forgot about—that are attached to specific songs, activities, locations, or a silly candy bar. You could be fine, focusing on something, and then one of those things shows up and your mind goes back in time while you’re trying to stay present. It takes your breath away and freezes you.

One day in Oklahoma, during mine and my husband’s dating days, we had just had some delicious lunch. We had tried out a vegetarian restaurant—not his thing, but completely up my alley. I ordered a Reuben sandwich, because it was one of my mom’s favorites and I hadn’t had one in a long time. She used to always order one from a vegetarian café in the valley back home. It was so delicious, and while driving away from the restaurant, for a split second, I had the urge to pick up the phone and call my mom. I was going to tell her about this yummy vegetarian spot I found in Oklahoma! I caught myself mentally, and then kind of laughed it off out loud.

I jokingly picked up my cell phone and told Kyle, “I just had this weird and random thought to call my mom and say, ‘Hey, Mom, just ate a Reuben sandwich that I think you would love.’” I pretended to say that on the phone, and when I “hung up,” I froze and the tears just came flowing. I buried my head in my hands, embarrassed, because I wasn’t expecting a fake phone call to my mom and a vegetarian sandwich to turn into a miss-her moment.

This was one of the instants when I knew Kyle was extraordinary. He literally pulled over without even thinking, parked the truck, and just hugged me. Sometimes grief blindsides you.

I grew up going to Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California. Roller coasters were the highlight of my teen years; I was into the scariest, the biggest, and the wildest ones. Come at me, coaster—my awesome and sassy youngster motto.

Since many years were spent riding roller coasters, I naturally think they are fitting for describing the healing journey and grief. I know typically roller coasters are used to define female mood swings. Totally valid, I get it. But we are going to use them to understand the swings of grief. Let’s say you are strapped into a massive roller coaster. There’s no way you’re getting off of it because once it’s going, well, it’s going. Once you’re a couple hundred feet up in the air, no one can see your raised-up flapping hand, because you need to puke or you are having a panic attack. Then comes the intense, tight, and sharp turns where you think you’re going to fall out of your seat. Your whole life just flashed right before your eyes, because you were certain that the gravity-defying flip you just endured was going to throw you off the track. But then there are some laughs; after you survived the flip, you regain your strength and reassure yourself. Right when you thought you had the ride figured out, it suddenly starts going backward and does it all over again. In other words, the last six years of my life and anyone’s grief journey.

Whatever set you on your healing journey, the event has happened, it’s done, and you can’t go back to change things. It is life as you now know it, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to acknowledge the roller-coaster track you are on. Maybe that is too up front or too honest for some. But I truly believe you let healing in when you open the door to acceptance.At times on the healing roller coaster, the sharp turns are things like grief, numbness, or uncertainty. Those emotions make you want to quit. There are times when you allow yourself to laugh and relax, but it doesn’t last long because something like a holiday, birthday, or anniversary makes you tense again. Right when you think you’ve figured out the roller coaster’s path and know what is coming next, a wave of emotion comes that you weren’t expecting. The biggest thing is when you decided you were done healing and that you’ve grieved, talked, reflected, and cried all you thought you needed to and realize the process is not over! The truth is: the healing process is never over. It is a lifelong journey.

One of the hardest parts for me during the ups and downs over the past six years was giving myself grace. At times, I really thought I conquered and went through all the healing there was to go through. I would beat myself up if I couldn’t hold it together through another birthday, trip to the beach, or while playing guitar. Haven’t I healed already? Didn’t I just go through this last year? I’m still sitting here missing her. I was looking for something black and white, and overnight. Grief just doesn’t play that way. It helped having people in my life who would wake me up to the realization that I wasn’t going to get over something that I’ve had for the last eighteen years of my life.

Let yourself rest, let yourself grieve, and give yourself grace. 

10 Tips for Approaching a ‘Death-iversary’

A “death-iversary” is an awkward day and a painful reminder. Every year will feel different, and every year that day will come. Usually my mind won’t accept “it” the length of time and it’s been 7 years. A lot has happened in those 7 years. Has it really been that long without a hug? A smile from her? Has it really? Because I feel like she just dropped me off for my ice skating lesson. I feel like her and I just went thrift store shopping. Didn’t we just go snowboarding for her birthday? Weren’t we just playing sequence last night? My mind says YES but reality says NO.

Both sides have a firm grip on the rope and neither is giving up any ground. I know we don’t want to….BUT….shouldn’t we accept the fact that the sun comes up everyday, therefore it must go down? And don’t the flowers bloom and flourish in the spring, but in the winter they hide away? Aren’t babies born everyday, therefore death happens too? We can’t deny these truths, we must learn to deal with and balance the good and hard or else we will live miserably going against the waves, struggling or maybe even drowning. Here are some tips that I’ve learned from my own experience that have helped guide me on my mom’s death-iversary:

• Have a plan. It helps me before hand to know what I’m going to do on that day, at least an idea even if I don’t follow it exactly. I know what’s not good for me and I know what helps me not fall into a rut. I find myself before the anniversary mark, starting to get anxious and nervous but having a plan eases my wondering mind.

• Know your biggest fear and face it. What exactly about the day makes you anxious or nervous? Getting stuck in a rut? Depression? Dwelling in it and not getting out? Flashbacks? Crying? It’s completely okay to be sad, and feel the heaviness of the day, but you can’t get stuck in it. Be stronger than your fear.

• Know that every year is different and that is okay. Don’t feel guilty if one year is easier than another year. Every year is different because you could be in a completely different place in life and have gone through different things, good or bad, the year before.

• Get out of the house. Make yourself get dressed and get out! Even if its only for a short time. Go to the beach, the park, the lake, a coffee shop, go find an incredible place to watch the sun set, or just go to the movies.

• Get it all out.

• Write them a letter. Dear Mom, I want to update you on my life…

• Eat all of their favorite things in one day! My mom was generally a healthy person but occasionally she’d splurge and it’d be mini Snickers, PayDay bars, and mint chocolate chip ice cream.

• Do something that maybe was your favorite thing to do together. For me, I went thrift store shopping because that was one of our favorite things.

• Go out with friends and family that were really close with you and your loved one and reminisce of fun memories!

• Remember, to be courageous and let this situation drive you to live life more radiantly.

 Whether you have a “death-iversy” approaching or you know someone who has one approaching I hope it brings a little more cushion to your day.

How to Find Beauty in Birthdays After Loss

In honor of my mom’s birthday week, I wanted to write a post about celebrating a loved one’s birthday who has passed away.

Birthdays are supposed to be full of laughter, fun, celebration, cake, food, and friends, right? I kind of make a big deal about birthdays, ask my husband. It’s celebrating the birth of the individual! Celebrating their life! That's huge, and maybe I think it's super huge because I have lost my mom.

What if the life you are celebrating is no longer with you? How do you celebrate that? One year you’re celebrating their present life and who they are and that they exist, and the next year they’re gone. Whether it’s been one year, five years, or 25 years, they were still a life, they still existed, they walked the earth, and you’re still thinking of them on their birthday. Celebrating a birthday of a deceased loved one is hard, no doubt about it, in fact for some maybe it’s harder then the date they passed away.It’s another reminder that they aren’t with you. BUT... It’s another reminder that life is a gift, and every birthday is a miracle because it was another year you are breathing, your body is working, and your health is good.

This month my mom would have turned 59! I remember the last birthday we had with her. It was 2008, and we went to a Mongolian BBQ. She was having a conversation with the waiter about age and how it doesn’t matter how old you are. She was just thankful to be celebrating another year of life. She was just thankful for another breath.

I have a lot of great memories of my mom’s birthday. A lot of my teen years, we would go to Mt. High and snowboard/ski because she got a free lift ticket on her birthday! One year we brought a cake up to the mountain and had a blast! Sometimes we would go to my grandma’s house and have a family dinner, and one time I took her to see the play “It’s a Wonderful Life,” at a local theater. There are so many good, and cherished memories.

Some tips to still making their birthday beautiful:

-Sing happy birthday. My friend lost her daughter at age 10, she told me that she sings Happy Birthday every year still.

-Eat their favorite kind of cake. Bake it or buy, whatever you feel like doing. I eat carrot cake on my mom's birthday. I can't remember if that is her favorite or mine, haha. Either way that's what I eat on her birthday.

-Start a new tradition. Since being married to Kyle, we have started a tradition of getting a Christmas tree and decorating it on my mom’s birthday.

-Have a family dinner. Talk with your family about some of your favorite birthday memories you shared with the person.

Happy birthday momma! You left a beautiful legacy, and I'm SO SO SO glad you were born.

Ballerinas, Superhero's, and the “D-word"

How do you bring the topic of grief and loss into a world of ballerinas, tea parties, and princesses; or a world of climbing trees, scraping knees, and super heroes? How does grief weigh down, tint or shatter a world of color, curiosity, and newness?

Telling anyone that their loved one has died is heartbreaking, but telling a child feels different because you can’t quite know what or how they are processing. Their mind has only developed to a certain point. Grasping concepts like someone being gone forever is more challenging or impossible for them, depending on their age.

I wanted to bring up this topic because it’s a delicate subject and unfortunately (because its inevitable) a common subject. It’s never going to be easy telling a child that their loved one died, but if we can talk about the subject more, research, learn, and give each other easily accessible tools we could make the scenario hopefully a bit more healthy.

Things to think about before bringing it up with your child:

• Yourself, before you try to help your child process, make sure you are processing the death yourself first. The best thing you can do for your child’s grief/healing journey is to make sure your healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

• Other recent changes, has there been other recent changes in your child’s life? Maybe they aren’t tragic or life changing to you, but have there been some that could feel that big to them?

• Their age, consider what they can handle and what stage they are in developmentally. Here are different age groups broken down to what loss means for their developmental state according to Joey O’ Conner, author of Children & Grief:

  1. Infants: “Since infants and very small children do not have a concept of time, death is experienced as the void or absence of someone who was preciously close to the child.”

  2. Preschoolers and Toddlers: “Children between the ages of two and four understand death to be a temporary, reversible, and impersonal event.”

  3. Elementary-Age: “Though children may not view death as something personal that will happen to them, they understand death as a permanent reality.”

  4. Preadolescents: “Children between the ages of ten and twelve now understand death as a permanent, irreversible reality that affects not only others but also themselves as well.”

  5. Adolescents: “Teenagers are curious about death and are interested in exploring abstract questions of eternity and the afterlife…Some teenagers are reckless because they think they will never die; they think they are invincible.”

Things to consider for the D-talk:

1) Give them the age appropriate facts of how the person died. Protecting them by not telling the whole truth, or saying things like they went on a long vacation, or they are sick will hurt them in the long run. Honesty is key. Author Joey O’ Connor made a very good point that if you give your children false scenarios or clichés to soften the pain, they could associate that word/scenario with death and themselves down the road. For example they are sick, will I die when I’m sick? They’re up in heaven; will I see them when I fly in an airplane?

2) You don’t have to have all the answers, or pretend to be strong. You can age appropriately share with them how you feel, which in hopes will encourage them to express their feelings too.

3) When interviewing some young adults who were adolescents when a loved one in their life died, the common thread I found was that they all didn’t express or react right away. Emotions didn’t hit till the next day. If your child doesn’t react like you think, give it some time. Avoid pressuring them to feel a certain way.

One of the questions I asked while interviewing young adults who were adolescents when their loved one died was what would you tell your younger self who was in the freshness of loss?

Their answers:

• Write more things down that you remember about the person.

• It takes time, and don’t shove grief to the side or be ashamed. There is hope, but there will be hard days still ahead. There is still beauty, and life, it’s going to be a good life.

• Find yourself an environment, a space where you can be alone and think and grieve for yourself

It’s hard, and there’s no manual for grief or helping kids through loss. So, take your time, one day at a time.*I’m not an expert or a professional, what I have to offer are my own experiences and research.

The Always Album

When my mom passed away my dad gave me her Bible along with the lovely bright blue, shiny case to protect it. Tucked away in her Bible was random pieces of paper with verses written in her handwriting. She also had her favorite picture of Jesus in the Bible cover. It was an image of Jesus in an O.R. guiding a surgeon’s hands in the middle of a surgery. It gave her great comfort, as she would undergo multiple procedures. Hidden in my childhood dresser I have collected a small amount of random notes from my mom, I have about 15 copies of my mom’s Memorial Service guide and in multiple journals, notebooks, drawers, and boxes I have photos of her that I printed out for various reasons.

Can you relate?

All these miscellaneous treasures need a safe home, and not just any home because they are irreplaceable memories. I don’t know why I didn’t make one sooner, but this week I started an “Always Album,” becauseI will always remember you. I think in the healing process one of the greatest fears is forgetting, I know that's true for my personal experience with loss. We keep memories in the back of our mind while trying to make new memories, on top of trying to heal, and live in the present. Maybe you feel your mind has a lot of “content” it’s trying to cling to, but you don’t want to let go. At the same time a lot of new content is trying to enter. So if we create a place, a physical album, we can caringly place our beautiful memories there, it could possibly open up our “mental plate” for new things!

While you are creating your Always Album, you are going to reminisce, naturally. Embrace the overall moment, and turn on some tunes. Crafting is soothing. Enjoy the process of making this album just as much as you’ll forever enjoy the finished project.

I want to leave this album open ended, in case you find things down the road you want to add, you can! To balance out that statement though, take on a realistic amount of scrapbooking when you first start this project!

Goal:

On those days where you want to give your missing loved one a hug, or reminisce, or share with a friend, open up the Always Album. On those days where your heart aches and you need a good cry, or you want to be reminded of their personality and legacy, open up the Always Album.

Supplies:

• Notebook or scrapbook

• Clear photo sleeves

• Photos

• Notes

• Sharpie

• A childhood supply of scrap paper

• Scissors

• ribbon/decor/cutouts

May this Always Album bring healing to your heart, and hope to your life as you reminisce on their legacy.

Dear Mom Journal

 One of my favorite tools that someone shared with me after I lost my mom was the idea of having a “Mom Journal.”

I loved it (still do) and highly recommend it!

So what’s a mom journal? For me this journal was/is a safe, judge free, private place where I could write letters to her. It was so good for getting my expectations of the future out in the open as big events or accomplishments would approach. One of the things you are grieving when you loose someone is the future. It sounds kind of weird, but all of a sudden everything that you imagined for your life (even though nothing is guaranteed) isn’t possible anymore. It’s gut wrenching.

I’m not talking huge plans, like you have it all figured out and this massive perfect blueprint is demolished. I’m talking college graduation is coming up and naturally you pictured both parents being there, but they aren’t. I’m talking about the day you find out your pregnant and you want to call both of your parents. I’m talking about the moment when the love of your life gets down on one knee and asks you to spend forever together. Or simply when a song comes on the radio randomly and it makes you think of them.

My Dear Mom journal helped me be real with myself regarding how I was feeling and helped bring down the anxiety levels for whatever the occasion may have been. This journal isn’t intended to be weird or spooky, it’s intended to lighten the load and keep sweet memories. Because as years go by you may find that remembering small things like their favorite candy bar, favorite park, or the sound of their laugh, becomes a bit more challenging.Please feel free to use this idea and make it your own!Here are some things I included in mine:

• Future expectations-the things you pictured him/her being there for

  • Write what you pictured it being like originally

• His/her favorite things

  • To eat

  • To do

  • Places

  • Activities

• Favorite memories of you and him/her

• Letters giving them updates on life

*This is parent loss focused but it can definitely be adapted for different relationships, for your own healing, hope, and wholeness journey.

Grief Thrival Kit

 Yes Thrival is a real word, kinda, I mean, I made it up so now it’s real.Thrival: not just surviving and making it through a life changing experience/event, but flourishing, doing well, and growing.

This blog post stems from grief survival kits that I’ve come across online. I decided to change the word survival to thrival because I don’t want to emotionally just live or simply exist. I desire to continue to grow everyday, through my loss experience.

I was intrigued at what other people put in their “kit.” It made me think, “what would be in mine?” Here are my Grief Thrival Kit items:

1. Journal

   • Get the feelings out on paper that you aren’t ready to share, because one day you’ll want to. Baby steps.

2. Tunes

   • When you can’t sleep at night, let notes and melodies carry you to a goodnights rest. Telling your mind to stop thinking.

3. Snacks

   • When you aren’t hungry (despite the fact you haven’t eaten all day) you’re tummy is hungry and saying please feed me. I’m not asking for you to eat a buffet, just keep taking bites. Baby steps.

4. Bible

   • Because the Word literally brigs LIFE, and comfort.

5. Crafting

   • In the midst of seriousness you need to do something lighthearted and not feel guilty. Get it out, oh and smile.

6. Communication

   • Grief isn’t made to go through and figure out alone. Stay in commination with yourself and your community. Letting them know where you’re at emotionally, what you need, and what’s hard.