When You Ask Why After Loosing Someone To Suicide, Guest Writer: Grace Alonso

Faith and grief, to me at least, are inevitably intertwined. My story about losing my dad has everything to do with finding Jesus. And my testimony about accepting Jesus has everything to do with me growing up without my biological father. 

When I was three and a half years old, my father took his own life. I don’t remember much about him, other than a few insignificant memories of us that still make me smile. My family loves to tell me about the kind of man he was; strong, caring, hilarious, loving, and passionate about God. Growing up and hearing about his otherworldly character was always a hard experience. Why weren’t any of these attributes, even a love for God, enough to keep him here?

I didn’t find out it was suicide until I was 10, when I realized I actually didn’t know how he died. I was angry, shocked, and hurt. I had grown up thinking my dad died not of his own will and if he had had his way, he would still be here with me. This wasn’t the case. I felt as if everything I had known about him, about myself, was a lie. I wasn’t enough. Or at least that is the seed that was planted in my head. 

Throughout those pivotal middle school years, I struggled with the concept that my father had chosen to leave this earth, leave me. I believed suicide was a selfish act and he had done this selfishly, not truly considering or even loving me. I questioned everything. 

Growing up without him was strange. I have a wonderful “step”-dad (he has been around forever and for all intents and purposes is my dad) but there was still this hole that I couldn’t explain. That hole was ignited with a flame when I found out how my father had died. I grieved a man I had never known. I missed a man I knew I loved but never experienced. I couldn’t talk about him with anyone, or so it felt, because the details surrounding his death were still too painful for some. And so I bottled every single one of these feelings, and countless more, up inside me for all those years. 

The result of not processing, of not truly grieving, did a number on me. I wasn’t able to experience true relationship with people and constantly let the narrative of me not being good enough take over at some point. I was constantly striving to be what I thought people wanted from me, constantly distancing myself to extremely painful ends. High school was the most pivotal time for this process. I not only met Jesus as my best friend freshman year, but I let Him start the process of opening up the hole that had never really been closed anyway. 

It wasn’t until sophomore year, though, that I learned more details about my dad. Stuff I won’t share on here, because that is his story and one that I hold close to me, because it is one where I finally understood him. I was able to understand why he had chosen to kill himself, to take his life, to remove himself from this world—from me. It wasn’t a selfish act, in fact it was far from it. It was selfless. That is the thing I think people miss with suicide. The people that are struggling with this are convinced this world is a better place without them. It is our job, our duty, our responsibility, our privilege to show them otherwise. I am grateful for my dad’s story and for what God has taught me through it. I miss him every day and I believe he is in heaven waiting for me, enjoying the presence of our savior. 

So please. If anyone reaches out to you about depression, about these thoughts, just listen. Know it isn’t selfish. Know they would give anything to be feeling that there was another option. And show them their presence on this side of heaven matters. 

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Grace Alonso

Grace grew up in Ventura County, CA. She is currently working toward a bachelor of science in who knows what and doing an internship at her home church. Her absolute favorite thing right now is being a nanny to an autistic boy.

When You're a Dad to a Daughter and You Question Your Abilities , Guest Writer: Regan

July 22nd 2016. My wife and I go to another checkup appointment with the OB/GYN. She is 6 days away from her due date and everything is running smoothly. She feels good, the baby is healthy, and we excited to be parents in 6 days. After the standard protein tests the doctor nonchalantly says “you’ve got some protein in your urine. So we are going to induce you. See you up at the hospital”. All of the sudden the pressures of becoming a parent come crashing down and I am sitting there wondering if I have what it takes after all. 

Being a dad is the greatest adventure one could ask for. Yet, there is nothing that can surface the insecurities of a generally secure a man like parenthood. Will my daughter like me? Will she always just want mom (still a struggle)? Will I know how to engage and play with a toddler girl that doesn’t seem interested in action movies or sports? 

My father loved me with his whole heart, but was not the most active with my brothers and I as kids. He simply didn’t know how to play with kids. He was raised on a family ranch by his grandparents working long hours at an early age. As an adult, I can acknowledge my desires as a kid for my dad to play with me. Yet, he rarely did. He was by no means a bad dad. He loved me with his whole heart. He encouraged me. He supported me. He loves our time together as adults. But there is a longing in a kid to play with dad. So I resolved to be a fun dad. To wrestle with my kids. To teach them how to throw a ball or ride a bike. And, if I had a daughter, to get fully engaged in the tea parties and nail paintings. Talk about a pride eliminator for a ranch kid from Wyoming. Painting nails…that has become one of my many skills. 

There was a learning curve for me when Hadley was born. For instance, I didn’t know there was a very specific direction that baby girls had to be wiped in order to prevent infections. YIKES. I was not the most help with the newborn phase. I tried. I changed diapers. I rocked Hadley when she was upset. But, I can’t breastfeed which not only helps when she needed to eat but also was the trick to getting her to sleep. Also, I had to go back to work full-time while my wife stayed home. Thus, Hadley grew what felt like a deeper attachment to Cassandra than to myself. To top it off, as Hadley began saying more words she started saying “Mom” right away. However, instead of saying “Dad” she picked up “Regan”. She calls me “Dad” about twice per week, but since everyone else calls me “Regan” why not her. Between her not referring to me as “Dad” and always wanting Cassandra when she is sad/hurt/hungry/anything else I began to build some insecurities on my ability to father well.
I’ve had to intentionally spend time praying over these insecurities; that they would not take root and God would continually speak truth over my fathering. I’ve had to allow God to father me well so I can father my own child well. I’ve had to face the truth that I am not a perfect dad, but that gives me opportunity to do better. Hadley loves me very much. She is excited to show me her achievements; how many stairs she can safely jump down, her drawings, her ability to run full speed into the street and make me chase her in a panic. Hadley knows she is the apple of my eye. 

I believe most dads struggle with insecurities regarding their parenting. Especially when they have daughters. Dads don’t talk about it often. But we are always wondering if we are as good as mom. The lesson God his teaching me is to stop comparing myself with Cassandra. Women bear the image of God differently than men. They parent differently. And the connection they form with their children is different. That is the way God designed it. My identity is not based on my daughter’s love for Cassandra. My identity isn’t even based on her love for me. My identity is found in being a child, fathered by God. Out of that I am able to love my daughter, father her, play with her, protect her, provide for her, and be “Regan” to her. 

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Regan Pickerel

Regan Pickrel is the senior pastor at Gillette Foursquare Church in Gillette, Wyoming. Regan married Cassandra October 18, 2013 and they have one child; Hadley Marie Pickrel.

Balancing Unresolved Feelings with the Mix of Honor After the Loss of a Loved One, Guest Writer: Paul Kuzma

May 29 was the 4 year marker of losing Mom, and June 3 marked 4 months since the loss of Dad. Of course, I already knew there would be something (maybe many things) different about the loss of Dad from the loss of Mom. That has borne itself out to be true.

One of the ways was expected, the other not so much.

I expected the loss of Dad would be different in the experience of what I call the “orphan syndrome.” That’s what occurs when you are a child, even an adult child, who has lost both parents. I have definitely felt the loss of both parents now in a way that has an entirely different emphasis than when we lost Mom, and still had Dad.

The more unexpected difference since the loss of Dad has been the tension I have experienced between the unresolved parts of our relationship and the true desire I have to honor his memory. 

To be clear, when Dad died, and since, I have had no regrets. We had a good relationship, and I was able to spend a considerable amount of time with Dad in his last couple of years. It wasn’t an easy task since I had moved across country four years before he died.

The unresolved parts are not regrets for me. They are the parts of life we never talked about simply because Dad wasn’t a “talker.” I long ago released trying to get him to talk and answer my questions, recognizing the value of just being present with him even if all we were doing was watching TV.

For the last year or so, my siblings and I have made a habit of meeting by video every Sunday night. Dad lived with my brother. An inside joke was how long Dad would be on the call before he declared, “y’all take care now!”, which meant he was done talking. I think his record was about 15-20 seconds!

I didn’t expect the unresolved parts to be an issue that would be in tension with my deep desire to honor his memory as well. I’m not done with it and don’t have answers. Not sure I will have them when all is said and done.

However, I did recently hear a counselor talk about family of origin issues, and an individual’s common pushback to doing that work by saying, “I thought we were supposed to honor our parents.” The counselor simply said, “there’s nothing more honoring than telling the truth.”

That statement has brought a measure of freedom from that tension for me. Maybe this Father’s Day, it will to you too. This will be my first without being able to hear his voice, and I already feel the missing of him as the day approaches.

For more regarding the topic of honor and honesty check out this article by The Allender Center: https://theallendercenter.org/2018/06/fathers-day-honor-honesty/ 

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Paul Kuzma

Paul Kuzma is the Director at the Center for Spiritual Renewal East in Christiansburg, VA. He is also the chaplain at their local county sheriffs office. He has spent many years in ministry!

Check out his current work here.

Find him on IG and FB.

Coping Skills to Approach Fathers Day When They're No Longer with You, Guest Writer: Courtney Nestor

June is a tough month to be honest. I can’t even go to Target without seeing the Father’s Day cards just staring at me reminding me of another year that my Dad is gone. I start thinking about our last Father’s Day together where my dad made the most luscious steaks while wearing his “King of the Grill” apron. We played baseball in the front yard and the day felt long. That day was 10 years ago and I still remember it like yesterday. I miss those days with him grilling and family being around and together celebrating our dad.

10 years later, I have learned a few things that have helped me cope with the loss of my Dad that I would like to share with you. I want to preface this post with that what I will say has helped me and I know that each loss and grief journey is different and each relationship with a dad is different. Some of you might have had an estranged relationship with a father. Some of you did not have that same father figure even in your life. Some of you may have been adopted so your dad has a new role in your life. Some of you had a great relationship with a father. You have your own experience, but I hope that through me sharing my learned coping skills and encouragement to you for this Father’s Day, I hope you find yourself refreshed, encouraged, and prompted to be reflective about whatever your experience has been with or without a dad.

One thing I would encourage you in as you prep for Father’s Day is being mindful of your body. Notice how you feel physically. Notice any tension, tightness. Are you clenching your teeth resulting in holding stress in your jaw? Honestly, I did not realize how much tightness I had in my jaw so I give jaw a massage or ask my sweet husband to give my jaw a massage. TRY IT- jaw massages are so nice and it really releases some pressure in the jaw area. Are you more tired when Father Days comes around? I know I am. I need more sleep, my mind is racing so I am physically exhausted. Be mindful of any physical symptoms because our body knows when we are feeling stressed, sad, mad, tired etc. Noticing our body will bring more awareness of how you really are feeling emotionally and sometimes the physical symptoms come before the emotions do. So take a bath, exercise, get 7-8 hours of sleep, eat healthy and notice how your body is feeling. Listen to your body! Tip- google UCLA mindfulness, and try the body scan to observe your body and how it is feeling. This is a great daily practice, but also for harder days like Father’s Day.

After you observe your physical body, begin to notice your thoughts, emotions, feelings and mood. Are you more sad than normal? Are you avoiding your feelings and emotions as Father’s Day draws closer? I notice myself being more sad, withdrawn/isolated, anxious and overwhelmed knowing that Father’s Day is coming. Emotions are so good to process through and I want to encourage you to dig deeper beyond the base emotions which are feeling sad, mad, happy, bad, surprised and fearful. (Google emotions wheel- so helpful) Think of these emotions as the tip of an ice berg. There are so many different emotions that are underneath these base emotions and I want to encourage you to dig deep in how you’re really feeling. This may be uncomfortable and you may cry and you know what, that is OKAY. However you’re feeling, notice those emotions and allow yourself to sit in them. It is important that as you’re digging deeper, reach out to supportive family or friends, pray, journal, hike, scream in a pillow or in your car. Your emotions are meant to be released and it is okay to feel them. Tip- keep a thought/emotions record to monitor what you’re thinking and telling yourself. This can assist you in managing your emotions and help regulate yourself when you’re feeling more low, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed, etc.

This process is daily for me and sometimes moment to moment. There is no right way of grieving, but there is healthy coping so whatever that looks like for you, do it. Because our emotions are correlated with our physical symptoms and vice versa, I believe that when we can be more self-aware and mindful of both, we can allow ourselves to cope in a healthy way. I would encourage you to just be in the moment and allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come, no judgement of feeling weak or small, but rather being human and processing through those emotions. My husband asks me each year what I want to do for Father’s Day and honestly, sometimes, I just don’t know how I am going to be that day, but I also know how I can cope pre-Father’s Day. I feel it out and I don’t plan much. What I have found to be consistently a good choice of activities that reminds me of my dad is going to the beach, drinking coffee and eating good food. I celebrate my dad on Father’s Day even though he is not here. I believe I can honor the amazing father he was and remember the joyful memories I will always keep with me. He may not physically be here, but I carry him with me always because I am his daughter. So as Father’s Day is creeping up, try to take inventory of yourself and see what you need. Maybe you’ll be celebrating another dad in the family, your spouse as a dad, or maybe you don’t have someone who is a fatherly figure and it is just another day. This practice can only benefit you and I pray it is beneficial for your mental and physical health this Father’s Day.

Thank you for reading and I am praying for your hearts this week.

Courtney Nestor xoxo

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Courtney Nestor

Courtney Has her Masters in social work and is currently using her degree to help veterans. She lives in Pasadena with her husband Eric where they drink lots and lots of coffee together and runt he Rose Bowl frequently.

Find her on IG and FB.

Here's the crash Course on being a Dad: Be a Dad, Guest Writer: Alan Clother

I’m a dad. I make dad jokes. 

As a dad when my kids were young, I did the dad things. I suppose I was a good dad, or maybe not. I could have been better. 

When our son was born, we decided Cynthia would be a stay at home mom. I worked hard and built my career to provide income for the family. Each house we lived in needed tons of work that we did ourselves. I drove a used Pinto station wagon with wood sides for 10 years to save money. One year I was Cub Master for the Scout troop, an Elder at church, and a new manager at work besides the house remodeling. Thank God for time management!

Somewhere in the middle of all that busyness, I was a dad. Sometimes present, sometimes absent, busy with this or that.

When my kids were 4 and 7, my older neighbor was watching me meticulously scraping and sanding the paint on our garage door. He came over and remarked “I will never be able to see all the work you are putting into your paint job from across the street, but your kids will see whether you are choosing to spend this time with them.” Ouch. 

And I tried to be less of a perfectionist when it came to my projects, and more available when it came to my kids; still filling every nook and cranny of my schedule.

After I took a new job across town, the commute was killing our family time. In our kid’s teenage years we decided to move to a neighborhood near my office so I could always be close at hand and home for dinner. And my kids could show up at the office if they ever needed anything.

During those years, I wanted to take more opportunity to speak into my kids’ lives, but I also encouraged them to speak into mine, even calling me out if I was being a jerk about something. I was sometimes.

My daughter listened to my struggles at work and church and challenged me to make the right decisions after she’d heard me complain about the same thing enough times. And she would come to me with her struggles.

My son would teach me how to engage when I was distracted by the worries of work and church leadership.” Tell me about your day, Dad. I want to hear all the details.” And in turn I would then ask about his.

My daughter’s friends that had no dad, or a crappy dad, sometimes “adopted” me as their second dad and I “adopted” them. My best friend left his wife, and we stood with her and the kids. They are my kids. And I started building dad momentum.

Looking back at our childhood parenting years, sometimes I think we screwed up our kids as much as we helped them. But we all still love each other, so I guess we did OK. If nothing else, they have modeled forgiveness as we stumbled through being parents. 

When my son struggled with mental health last year, he took time away from his wife and three kids to live with us for two months. We went for walks on the beach and he shared his inner dialogues that drove him to consider suicide. I had experienced my own deep depression some years ago, and could relate to the feelings of hopelessness and speak my own experiences into his. I would ask questions, explore his feelings, right-size his observations, be open, trusted, answer questions. I simply needed to be there with him. He did not need to walk this journey alone. And I was honored to be a part of his life, to be there as his dad.

It has taken me some years of practice to slow down and be a dad that’s present. These days, I can have long talks pretty much any day of the week with my kids. That is a blessing. I love being their dad. Our kids are some of our best friends. And our “adopted” kids are many of our friends, too.

So what makes a good dad? I suppose it’s someone with your best interests in mind, that will be there when you need them and not when you don’t. Someone who gives you space to grow, to be you, keeping watch from the background alert for danger.

The role of a dad is an honor to me. To have youngsters who are willing and even eager to talk with me and allow me to pour into their life is a gift. And I continue to “adopt” kids. I enjoy the many young friends we have in our life, and as they have kids, I’m adopting grandkids now!

For those reading this and your dad has let you down, cut them some slack and love them anyway. They are on a life journey of learning, too. And they won’t learn without someone speaking into their life.

If you don’t have a dad, or you could use a second dad, adopt one that you respect. It will honor him and bring new life to both of you.

If you want to experience a peace that passes all understanding, deepen your relationship with God the Father. He will adopt you as His own daughter or son. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17 

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Alan Clother

Alan is the Director at Rescue Mission Alliance in Oxnard, CA. He is originally from the beautiful green state of Oregon with a background in engineering and ministry.

Find him on IG and FB.