“He is such a good guy and he treats me like a queen but something just doesn’t feel quite right.”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a phrase to the likes of this, I’d be sitting pretty and rich! I am no pot calling the kettle black; these words have slipped from my mouth on more than one occasion. Admittedly, I am the most fickle when it comes to dating. I seem to be interested in the wrong people at the wrong time and run from the highest quality suitors. It’s nothing but drama, mama.
The phrase at the top came from a conversation I had with one of my gals. We have been with each other through the highs and lows of college, stumbled into adulthood together, and now we are navigating the wild waters of dating. One evening, my friend and I were having one of our routine catch ups and she proceeded to tell me about this great guy she had been dating. [Insert quote from above] As I listened to her, conflicted and confused, my brain may have wandered to my own dating track record (that's another story for another time). I thought to myself, ‘why are people often infatuated with those who aren’t the best fit for them and why do people run from the ones who are good for them?’ It was a classic Bridget Jones moment to say the least.
This question led me to think about the work I do. I provide therapy for people who have similar problems of choosing people they “desperately love” but who are not quite right. There seems to be no discrimination; it happens to people from all walks of life. That thought led me to think, maybe we have an epidemic of relationships founded solely on feelings of ‘passion’ rather than something more substantial. That’s when it hit me. I interrupted my friend; it felt like I couldn’t get the thought out fast enough. “You’re not sure how you feel about him because he isn’t causing any drama or anxiety in your life, which is easily confused for passion.” She quietly listened as I presented my theory: “It seems to me that people are attracted to those who aren’t best suited for them because it feels like ‘passion’ and when there are feelings of passion, it must be written in the stars. In actuality, drama-filled, anxiety-inducing relationships are not ones founded on love. That’s why when a high-quality, secure person comes around, it feels bland and lacking because they aren’t causing you anxiety or creating passion. They aren’t triggering those emotions, which can easily feel like the beginning of your next greatest dating adventure, only to find out that you all may not be the best matches for each other.”
I must say, this is not a new theory. My so-called revelation came from something called “attachment theory.” This theory points all fingers back to the way we first connected with our primary caregivers, whether that be a mother, father, grandmother, etc. If these caregivers were present, consistent and nurturing, the baby would develop a secure attachment style. When these babies become adults, these are the people who are confident, have healthy boundaries, aren’t afraid to dialogue through conflict and consistently show up, because they know these things are the secret sauce to real love. You won’t find them playing any anxious heart strings because they know they don’t need to create drama or ‘passion’ order to find love.
The other two groups of people are those with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. These people may have a little more difficulty figuring out what healthy love looks like in their lives. They tend to either be overly-invested in their relationships (codependent) or fearful of putting skin in the game when it comes to being vulnerable and intimate with others (emotionally detached). These groups are not bad, hopeless, nor flawed. They simply had an interruption in attachment or maladaptive attachment. Sometimes, people in these groups mistake passion for love because they never truly knew what love looked like in their early years. They may have had a parent who worked excessively or wasn’t emotionally attuned to their needs, causing a break in attachment.
The best part about all of this is: regardless of your attachment style, yours can always evolve and be reshaped based on your interpersonal relationships (romantic or not). If you are in a relationship with someone who is secure, willing to work through conflict, sees themselves as a whole person and you as a whole person, you will begin to develop a healthier attachment style. Their modeling and attachment will allow you to see and understand how healthy love is developed. No, unfortunately, it’s not an overnight, magical thing.
This is not to say passion and love are simply constructs or beliefs of the hopeless romantics. I am as hopeless as a romantic as they can get! Those magic feelings, getting butterflies, time flying when you are with that person, and true love are all real. These little things come from true connection and are cultivated, nurtured, and grown into something much greater than we could ever imagine.
Dailey is a twenty-something living in Los Angeles, CA. She is a social worker who provides therapy for people who experience mental illness. In her spare time, you can find her at a barre class, having a deep conversation over tacos, or with her local girl gang.