What I am Learning About Life During COVID Times

Looking back at this year, Covid to me feels like a story of perseverance — a reminder of my (and our collective) ability to survive periods of difficulty. 

When the year kicked off, I was in month two of dealing with a GI issue that popped up out of nowhere. Shortly after, I moved to a new city and had an uncomfortable period of loneliness. Then mid-March came, and suddenly it was Covid. 

My parents, who had been in the process of selling our family restaurant of 30 years (unrelated to Covid), were forced to lay off all but one of their employees, and run it entirely on their own as a takeout spot. This at a time when they were already physically and emotionally exhausted from several difficult years that led up to it.

It was devastating to them. A scary, confusing time.

I ended up spending the next 2 months at home so I could be there. My job was already remote, so I worked from home, and hung around for cooking meals and providing emotional support.

But in that moment I needed them as much as they needed me. The thought of going back to the new condo in the new city with no one there, no social settings to go out in, worrying about the virus and sitting at home consumed by thoughts of my blossoming chronic health issue — frankly, sounded terrible. 

I was happy to be home during that time. But the next 2 months were incredibly difficult. With the sale of the restaurant having been delayed due to Covid —  it felt like my family was on their last legs. The candle just completely burnt.

Meanwhile, my dad’s sore back had officially become a bulging disc, and he needed surgery. So the trip him and my mom had planned to take as a vacation after the sale was out the window. 

Instead, it was back surgery and 3-6 months of rehab. 

To compound things further, they were supposed to be moving their life’s possessions 4 hours north to their second home, where they were going to begin living full time. 

It was all just hard and hard to swallow. It often, especially for my parents, felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. And right now it still sometimes does. 

This is all to say nothing of the smoke-filled air, the looming election, the increasingly hostile political climate, and my rising feeling of doubt that we’ll be able to garner the political will necessary to address climate change before it’s too late.

What Covid continues to remind me is that I’m (Read: we’re) more resilient than we may typically otherwise realize. It gives me a sense of confidence that I (we) can continue to navigate life, surviving hard situations, and getting through to lighter, better times.

It also reminds me of the good fortune that is having family. 

Feeling Creatively Blocked? Find Stillness, Guest Writer: Ashlyn Winters

Lately I’ve been a little creativity blocked, as an art teacher, some might find that mildly hilarious.

“I like quiet. Like…really like it. I like hearing my heartbeat in my neck and head, feeling it pulse in my chest. I like the sound of my breathing in, and out, in, and out.. I like finding new sounds in whatever room I happen to be sitting in at the moment – the sound of an air conditioner kicking on, the pitter-patter of a child’s steps down the hall outside my classroom… birds singing songs on the wire in my backyard… the postal truck driving by, the mellow squeak of tires braking, and mail dropping into the box… distant conversations over fences just far enough away to blur the topic from eavesdropping ears… the cry of the teapot, the sizzle of breakfast, the hum of my computer…”- Journal entry from October 5, 2018.

But there are also times that I really detest having to be quiet. When every sound I pick up frustrates my rushed-feeling soul…it’s like with every sound I’m reminded of the seconds ticking through the hours in my day and there. just. isn’t. enough. time. in. my. day. to get all the things done. 

 I started this journal entry in the middle of the task of trying to find some extra money in our budget to start a savings account. I tired of that pretty quickly and was just feeling restless and realized my desire to type out my thoughts. My mind immediately went to the quiet that is overwhelming my classroom at the moment. These moments are rare; once kiddos walk across the threshold into the art room, there is no more quiet. But it’s joyful noisemaking – the sink filling up water pails, drawers opening and closing to find just the right art supply, drying rack levels going up and down…filling with art, small chatter discussing the right color to use and where, story-telling at its finest. This is the sound of creating. 

 It brings my soul much joy to sit and watch a child create. I give them a problem and tell them to solve it. Sometimes I give parameters, but most of the time they are free to solve the problem given in any way they deem appropriate. This is pretty much the most vulnerable a person can be. In creating something, you are opening up a piece of your soul that, until now, only you have seen. You are daring to be brave enough the let the world around you see that piece of your soul. Once it is out, it is open to criticism, judgment, and… Oh, that the world would be constructive with its criticisms.”

Fast forward two year with me. We are sitting in 2020 and we’re all thinking, ”Can this year just hurry up already?” I still have the same rushed feeling in my soul, even more so in this current socioeconomic climate. As a creative being - and I believe we all are in some capacity - this begs the question: why do we have such difficulty creating sometimes? Possible criticisms aside, there are so many other reasons why we feel that we can’t create. I think the main one is that we just don’t find the time to create.

Do we have time? Of course. We make time for the things we deem important. Yet somehow, our lives still feel rushed. Not just our physical lives, but our mental and emotional lives as well. We are always thinking about the next thing on our schedule. Or maybe it’s because we are afraid to be vulnerable in our creativity. If you’re anything like me, you might think up an idea and then quickly toss it out for fear that it’s too simple or irrelevant or even overdone. I think that it would help us more if we could live in the present moments we are given, even if they are heart-wrenching or dull, hurried or slow, life-giving or exasperating. Creativity does not come from nothing. I’m a firm believer that there are no original creative ideas. All of our ideas are shaped from experiences we’ve had or creativity we’ve seen from others. We capture the essence of that creativity and make it our own; we take the experiences we’ve had and shape them in some way to let others see and feel them in the same way we did, either through words written, strokes of a paintbrush, or melodies written on the nearest piece of scrap paper. There is no wrong answer when it comes to being truly creative.

 I need creativity. We all need it. And in order to be truly creative, we need each other. Creativity flourishes in community, so let community in.

Here’s how I have found it easy to find inspiration in my work. 

• See what others around you are creating and join them. Maybe that’s finding a new visual artist to follow on social media and trying to mimic their style until it molds into something that’s just yours. 

• Gather some fellow creatives around you and create a challenge that you can all participate in - bringing each one’s individual ideas to the table. 

• Carry a small sketchbook or a notebook with you everywhere and just write down ideas as they come- a sentence or two. As a visual artist, just writing down my ideas is super helpful, because sketching it out is sometimes harder and more time consuming.

 Above all else, find time to sit in the quiet. I still love just sitting and finding new sounds in the quiet around me. As I relax and let my breath catch up with my mind, I find my slower pace starting to embrace snippets of creative thoughts I’ve had throughout the day, and I can then begin to build them into full creative ideas. Does that mean I always have creative thoughts throughout the day? Nope. Sometimes just sitting in the quiet rejuvenates me, and that’s enough for the day. It’s like a giant reset button on my brain! Relieve yourself of the pressure to be perfect in your creativity (because, HA, NO ONE is perfect!), and just create! Your heart will grow in confidence in your ability and you will overflow with thankfulness that you’ve given yourself time to just think.

A Mental Model for Creative Thinking

Seven years ago my brother-in-law, Arian, decided to go all-in and follow his passion for videography, driving from Boston to Los Angeles to live his dream.

In the years that followed, he consistently stretched his creative boundaries and produced an impressive volume of work. A few years in, his persistence and dedication began to get real attention and festivals like Burning Man and Coachella started requesting that he come and document their events. Today, the world’s most notable brands and icons seek him out.

I spent last weekend with him and asked about his creative process.

“I think I am different from most people. I only have about three to four hours of solid focus time in me each day. So if I am not doing something that requires a high level of creative thinking, I need to let my mind just float and drift.”

It turns out Arian’s three to four hour limit on focused work time is not that unusual — but his level of self-awareness and proactivity is. A 2016 survey of office workers found that the average amount of “productive” work time barely hits three hours in a normal workday. Beyond these three hours, though, most time was spent browsing the web, chatting with co-workers and getting food.

After Arian and I spoke, I realized that he unknowingly optimizes his day for Convergent and Divergent Thinking, terms coined by psychologist Joy Paul Guilford.

Divergent Thinking is free-flowing and non-linear. It’s blue-sky thinking. It doesn’t need to be rational or feasible, and oftentimes it doesn’t take place at a desk. It might be triggered by activities like going for a walk, cooking, taking a shower or simply stepping away from your screen.

Convergent Thinking, on the other hand, is structured and methodical. It can include analyzing ideas and planning how to implement them. Its triggers include making lists, considering outcomes and constructing a timeline.

Both are incredibly important for creative work — but it’s easy to get so wrapped up in one that we forget to make time for the other. A good first step is to simply become aware of our limited stocks of convergent and divergent time each day and structure our days accordingly.

Michael Radparvar

is a Founder at Holstee.

Holstee provides tools and resources for a more meaningful life. Over the years they have created a range of products to help people live both fully and mindfully, including the Holstee Membership, Reflection Cards, The Greater Good Toolkit, and Reflection.app.

When People Discourage the Creative Path, Guest Writer: Sandy Harris

I would always tell the youth I worked with to revel in your own weirdness, not wait to follow your dreams and never NEVER let someone tell you that you are not smart enough or that your art is not good enough.  God does not make junk and all we must do is tap into ourselves, sometimes deeper than we would like to, to find our creative self; do not wait.

Creativity in my life has been a sometimes-dormant lifeline.  I was always the different one.  Not great in school but excelled in art, history, or choir.  But back in the day, my day, girls were to do their studies and learn their math.  I exhausted my parents with being unable to recite the “times tables” – multiplication.  Yet I could do fractions – as I said earlier – I was the different one.   

When I wasn’t out running around, riding bikes, skateboarding, climbing trees, etc. – in other words stuck in the house – I would draw, I would write.  But I never had any confidence in myself to share much of it.  One of my favorite memories is of the drawing I did of my sister sitting on the floor of our living room watching the moon landing.  I can remember this picture in every detail.  The curtains in the background, the length of my sister’s hair and the tiny image I drew of the moon on the TV screen.  Wish I still had that picture.  I would doodle with my Dad.  He would draw a little squiggly line on a piece of paper, and I would be asked to make something out of it.  I was rather good at it!  But my “art career” came to a sudden stop in my teens when I was told by an art teacher that all my drawings looked like cartoons and I should be more serious with my art.  As I said earlier, I didn’t have much in the way of self-confidence, so I put down my pencil, pens, and anything else artistic and refused to play the doodle game with my Dad any longer.  I stuck to my outdoor activities and got well versed in anything that had nothing to do with art or school.  

So, without an outlet other than things that were dubbed “wild” or “boy like” I was always in conflict with my parents.  Eventually, I conformed and got married to someone that “calmed me” (as my parents liked to say).  Keeping the art tucked away in some part of my soul I got down to the business of being a wife and soon after a mother.  As life would have it, my daughter was disabled and her father was gay (who knew?! – coming out in the 70s wasn’t something easily done) and that didn’t work well for him or our marriage so I was on my own dealing with an amazingly difficult bundle of joy who spent most of her infancy at the hospital or doctors and most of her toddler years trying to teach me to draw in the air.  Pictures that only she, in her beautiful autistic mind, could see, and that might have cracked open that door I had shut so long ago.  

Life continued and I had no intention of marrying again, but God had different plans.  I met my amazing husband who accepted my wildly different daughter and then, ten years after my daughter, God blessed me with a beautiful boy that turned out to be just as creative, if not more, than me.  His sister would draw in the air, but he and I would lay on our backs and make pictures in the clouds.  Although he never felt drawn to the doodle game, we would create amazing stories when he was unable to sleep.  He would give me a name, or a creature and I would wind a fanciful story that most of the time had him as the hero.  Now he is a hero and brings his own creativity to the comic book world.

My art did not fully come back right away, heck it took years and years.  But my beautiful daughter who could see pictures in the air and my amazing son who could help create stories out of nothing kept that door from slamming shut permanently.  So, I thought, why shouldn’t I draw for her, create for him?  My art became gifts for family and friends and words became poems and stories for the kids at church.  One of my favorite memories of sharing stories, other than with my son, is of a little girl who was the oldest of 7 children, she being the only girl.  After church I would sit with her while her parents tried to gather her six brothers into their van.  She would be so frustrated with it all, so we created a story, “The Kingdom of Katie”. It was the story with her as the Princess in the Kingdom of Katie and the six ogres (brothers).  In THIS Kingdom she would always be the hero.  Each Sunday we would add to the story and it became a time for her to escape for a little while and later I found out that it helped her navigate being the eldest of seven and the only girl.

Creativity, I found, never left me.  I just put it on hold and used in ways to reach my daughter, comfort my young son, and teach or help the kids that God would place in my path.  Now in my “golden years”, and retired, a floodgate was opened and the creativity that God gifted me with came flooding back.  Using the pain and joy of my life experience it all just rushed out in an amazing rainbow of what I lovingly refer to as strange creations.  I do have to say that I still do not draw much, but I do have a few doodles waiting to become something wonderful.

I must admit that I am a bit frustrated.  I finally got to a place where I could create and share my art and then the whole Covid19 thing rocked the world.  I have not felt the urge to create much because I have no outlet for it as all the art shows, fairs and festivals have been closed for now.  Hopefully soon Covid with be in the rearview and I can get back to sharing my art.  But I do know that I will never again tuck away the gift that God has given me, and I will try to use it to help others “revel in their weirdness”.  We are all unique and should use whatever we have been blessed with to help someone else see the beautiful in the chaos of everyday life. 

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Sandy Harris

Sandy has background in social work but now focuses on creating! Check out Sandra’s Heart Art.

You can find her on IG and FB.

The Unseen Balancing Act in Interracial Marriage, Guest Writer: Sandy Harris

There is a balancing act that is unseen when you are a white woman married to a black man and have raised a black son.  It has never been easy on my husband nor my son and though I’ve had a front row seat to the injustices they have faced, I myself cannot know what it feels like, on a day to day basis, what it feels like to be black in America.

I will tell you that it is difficult to feel that I must defend what I say to some of my white friends, tiring really.  Well meaning “friends” that say things like “Oh you talk like that because your husband is black” or “your husband is so well spoken”.  Really?!  I speak the way I speak because that is the way I speak.  My husband was an English major and yes, he is very well spoken, but what does that have to do with the color of his skin?

With the recent murders that were widely viewed, I still must have discussions with some of my white friends on the meaning behind these deaths – murders.  Like I am some kind of expert.  Or I will get counseled about what I should or should not say.  I will hear shock in their voice when I say that what they just said is racist.  Or have to explain that white privilege has nothing to do with the amount of money in your bank account or that you were raised in a lower middle class or poor family (so was I).   White privilege in its basic form is having a 400-year head start and is used to keep those of color “in their place”.  

It saddens me that both my husband and my son have been judged just because of the color of their skin.  My son whom is a “gentle giant” and respectful to all at all times, especially the police (we had “the talk” with him when he was quite young). He was pulled over, cuffed and thrown onto the curb by two police officers because “he didn’t look like he belonged in that neighborhood”.  They ransacked his car and then when they were done, they told him to clean up the mess and “get out of here”.  My son was leaving college after an exam.  My husband was thrown to the ground and a knee was placed on his neck while the officers ran his driver’s license because “he fit the description of a suspect”.  The only matching attribute was that he was black.  My husband is 6’6”.  The suspect was listed as 5’11”.  I could go on and on about the encounters they have had, and we have had as a family, but I am told over and over, “it’s better now”.   Is it?  

My son, I am sad to say, was rocked to his very core when while he was having a discussion with a leader in our former church, someone he looked up to, said to him, “well you are one of the good ones”.  They were discussing Trayvon Martin.  This church leader said that Trayvon should not have been wearing a hoodie and my son countered him with “it is just a hoodie, I wear them”.  That is when he was told, “well you are one of the good ones”.  Good ones?  What does that mean?  My son left that church soon after that.  That is the definition of white privilege.  Saying, “You are one of the good ones” implies that if you have dark skin you should not wear certain clothing.  Or when someone says to my husband that he speaks well.  That implies that as a race, most do not.  Or when someone says to me, why didn’t you tell me your husband is black.  Ask yourself this -if you are white and your spouse is white do you, within your description, say that he/she is white?  Of course not, you describe hair color, eye color, height, etc.

I have adopted my motto, it keeps me from wanting to lash out at some of the insensitive remarks from those people that just don’t get that what they are saying is so racist.  I say, “If you don’t live it, you don’t know”.  Well with all the ugliness of the past many months I have added to my motto.  “If you don’t live it, you don’t know.  But if you don’t care to learn then you are part of the problem”.

For us, as a family, we rely on our faith and our walk with the Lord.  We taught our son that before he is biracial, white or black, he is a child of God and that makes him royalty.  I can only hope that more and more people would look at the color of someone’s skin and then within their own heart and just see a child of God.  That has been my daily prayer.

Taking the approach of LOVE for racial equality, Guest Writer: Cassandra Pickrel

I am half white and half black. My name is Cassandra Pickrel. I am going on 31 years old with one husband and a four year old magical toddler. She is the best part of both him and I. I am a born-and-raised central valley California girl who transplanted to Gillette, Wyoming in 2011.

I wrestled for a few days with my decision to write this piece. Not out of fear, but from the heart of knowing that on an issue so vast as racism, I am but a drop in the ocean. As I am a mixed black woman, I acknowledge that I have privilege to an extent. Growing up in a home with a white mom, I didn't experience a level of discrimination that others have known to be usual.

The fact that racism even exists in 2020 America brings forth a fierceness in me. If we, as a nation, cannot come together and be united, then we are squandering the work of so many before us. To obtain healing, we on both sides have to take responsibility. It will cost us. It will take hard work. And most importantly it will take dying to ourselves. It has to happen without us tearing one another down to lift ourselves up or as some kind of revenge mission.

We as a people have to take on a different approach in this process. This approach would be to love. We can tend to put love and what love looks like in this box and say “this is love and anyone who isn't doing these things isn’t loving well”. Sometimes loving one another is listening despite how painful it may be to hear. To really hear them, to try and put ourselves in their place, to know where they are coming from, where they have been wounded. Not from a place of defense but to understand. To truly know their heart and journey.

Sometimes love looks like forgiving before anyone has even asked for forgiveness, maybe even knowing that they may never even ask. To come to the table not with our past and wounds in mind but our future and our children's futures in mind. In this time we will have to love even when the otherside is not. Regardless of what any of us have gone through, good or bad, if we cannot come together and love one another for the goodness of the world our children will indeed inhabit what we have sewn.

Racism is an evil that has been around since before Jesus and will be here until He returns. Not because HIS blood wasn't enough to cover it. It was more than enough to abolish discriminiation, stereotypes, and racism. No, racism will be here because we reside in a broken world. A world that we can try our very hardest to make perfect but we will fall short every time because only the creator of this place can do that. The truth is all the brokenness we encounter shouldnt be used as fuel for our anger and hurt, but instead should turn us to Jesus because He is always the answer.

How to Cope While the World is on Pause During the Pandemic

As I sit here in my dreary apartment feeling stiff, dull, and bored, I think about the backdrop to this scene that is the current chaos of COVID-19. Was it not just two Tuesdays back that I was surrounded by friends ordering amazingly cheap tacos and margaritas in Malibu? It was. I am still struggling to adjust to the screeching halt of our world that has left the majority of us in quarantine. Side note: THANK YOU to all of our frontliners who are courageously going to work, risking their own health and safety for the greater good.  

Although my week days are still occupied by teletherapy sessions and note writing, it is the evenings and weekends that I find myself thinking about how to cope amidst the stress and blah that is this global pause. I recall one of my professors in my graduate program emphasizing something like this: “If you take away a bad or maladaptive coping skill, you must replace it with an effective one.” This recollection really made the wheels in my anxious head turn. How will I cope? How will America cope? How ON EARTH are we all going to cope? 

It seems to me that our initial instinct is to overindulge when coping under stress. I admit, I am guilty of eating a tub of Ben and Jerry’s (Dairy-Free Peanut Butter Half Baked), rather than going to barre class or going on a walk. My heart says “YES”, but a phrase comes to mind that reminds me how ineffective ice cream can be: “a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.” This brings me back to my initial question with a slight tweak: “how do we cope well?”

In mental health, we have this thing called the “mind-body connection.” This idea is built on the concept that trauma or excessive stress interrupts the unity of the body and mind. Furthermore, as humans, we often cope the easiest ways we know how, not realizing that our lack of knowledge can actually perpetuate our disconnection of mind and body, i.e. eating an entire tub of ice cream. 

Alternatively, here are a few techniques that will help reconnect your mind to your body:

1. Deep Breathing - This is the simplest technique, yet highly effective. Take a moment, close your eyes, and draw your attention to your breath. Notice how your stomach rises and falls as you breathe air in and out. It is important to ensure your breath is coming from the depths of your lungs, not just your chest. This technique is only effective if the breaths are deep. To ensure deep breathing, you can lay down and notice your belly rise and fall, pushing all the excess air out of your lungs. Also, you can place the palms of your hands either behind your neck (power pose) or a little above your waist (wonder woman pose) to ensure deep breaths. Breath in deep (typically 4-5 seconds) and release (typically 6-7 seconds).    

2. Grounding - This technique is really great for people (like myself) who experience anxiety or panic. If you notice your mind beginning to race and it feels like you are on a runaway train that cannot be stopped, try this: place both of your feet on the ground and find somewhere to place your hands (arm rests, on the sides of your body, or wrapped around yourself). Draw your attention to your feet on the ground, your hands wrapped around yourself or on the chair, and the breath in your lungs. Notice the security of the chair holding you up or the safety of your home that shelters you. The goal of this exercise is to reduce all movement and to ground the mind from where it has wandered.   

3. Happy Place -  I love this technique because it genuinely makes me happy. Begin by closing your eyes and thinking about the last time you felt truly happy. How did that feel? Were you with someone or were you by yourself? Where were you? What was the scenery? Was it a beautiful place? How did it feel in your body? How was it for your soul? Perhaps it was a beautiful space in nature, at a party surrounded by quality people, or at home with your significant other. Let your mind go back to that moment and savor the way it made you feel. Stay there for a moment. Recall the happiness you felt and rest in that. Remember that you can always return to that moment whenever you wish. 

I think we can all agree that COVID-19 has been nothing less that traumatic and stressful. Rather than responding to this crisis with our typical coping skills, i.e. online shopping, stress eating, dissociating by watching hours of Netflix or Disney+, falling into the blackhole of memes that have saturated Instagram, or being excessively invested in the news, let’s listen to what our bodies need. Let’s take a minute to reconnect with ourselves and cope well. This is not to negate the fact that we are in complete crisis mode but rather an opportunity to take care of yourself, in hopes of a better tomorrow.

I wanted to take the time to share this because I believe we can come out of this situation more adept at handling the anxieties that come with being human and the trauma and stressors that come with living on this earth. If we are intentional with the extra moments we have while the world has seemingly paused, our mental health and well-being can be changed for the better. We have an opportunity to learn to be comfortable with slow living, let’s take it while it’s in our grasps. Sending you all the good vibes and peace.

Dailey 

Dailey is a twenty-something living in Los Angeles, CA. She is a social worker who provides therapy for people who experience mental illness. In her spare time, you can find her at a barre class, having a deep conversation over tacos, or with her local girl gang.

Books to Read While the Pandemic Keeps You at Home, Guest Writer: Sarah Jensen

Every time I’m asked to write up a book recommendations list I jump at the chance. I’ve been a reader my entire life and (not so) secretly have made it my mission to make everyone else on earth a reader as well. For as long as I can remember books have been my safe place. When I’m feeling angry or hurt or confused or happy, there’s an author somewhere who knows exactly how I feel and wrote it down for me to find. That’s what is so beautiful about literature, you learn that your longings are universal; everyone feels what you feel. It connects us.

So I’ve put together a list of books that have changed my life, since we all suddenly have a lot more free time on our hands. There’s probably too many titles, but I couldn’t help it. They’re all so great. I hope you choose to fill your time with books and art and creativity and exercise. We may be stuck at home all day, but it’s still not good for us to binge Netflix. Maybe one of these titles will help get the ball rolling. That’s the thing about reading, it only takes one book to change your whole perspective and before you know it, you’re a reader! :)

Nonfiction

1. The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer

I’ve noticed a shift in conversation recently, one from productivity and hustle to rest and solitude. Maybe it’s just the circles I’m in, but it’s an important conversation to consider. Read any poet and philosopher (modern or not) and they all say the same thing - our soul needs solitude. We need to give ourselves space to think and to feel in order to know who we truly are. And unfortunately, we’re not very good at it. We never have been, but it’s especially difficult today with all of the screens and technology at our fingertips. This book is John Mark Comer’s roadmap to finding solitude and stillness. 

2. Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig

Matt Haig is a writer and speaker on mental health. He first wrote Reasons to Stay Alive, about his experience with depression. Notes on a Nervous Planet is a kind of sequel to that, a book about anxiety. Our societies are making us sick, from noise pollution and advertisers demanding our attention to us forgetting that our minds and bodies are connected to each other. This book is a breath of fresh air, an empathetic collection of essays quietly encouraging us to take a deep breath and find ways to calm the anxiety we all feel at times. 

3. Upstream by Mary Oliver

Technically, this book should go in the next section with the essays, but Mary Oliver is such a great writer that she belongs in every category. This book is a collection of essays in which Mary writes about nature and her astonishment with the world. It’s a beautiful reminder that often, the answer we’re looking for lies in the quiet wind rustling the trees, or the sound of waves crashing against the shore. All we really need to do is get outside, get quiet, and listen to what the world is trying to say. 

Essays

1. They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us by Hanif Abdurraqib 

I have recently gotten into reading about music. I’ve always been obsessed with music. Seriously, don’t start a conversation with me about it or I’ll talk for days. They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us is a sometimes heartbreaking and always hopeful book of essays on how our lives are defined by the music we listen to. As Hanif wrote in one of them, “I understand what it is to be sad, even when everyone around you is demanding your happiness - and what are we to do with all of that pressure other than search for a song that lets us be drained of it all?” Whether it’s an essay on Fleetwood Mac or Carly Rae Jepsen or Future, you’ll learn something important about the world and maybe discover new music along the way. 

2. Dreaming the Beatles: The Love Story of One Band and the Whole World by Rob Sheffield

Rob Sheffield is one of the greatest music writers I’ve ever discovered. The work he does for Rolling Stone is unmatched and his books are no different. Dreaming the Beatles is not just another book about the Beatles, Rob focuses on the emotional connections we make to music. And all of us, whether we’re eight or eighty, have a connection with the Beatles. Why does the next generation keep discovering them, and loving them more than the last? Like he says in the book, “The world keeps dreaming the Beatles, long after the Beatles themselves figured the dream was over. Our Beatles have outlasted theirs.”

3. Am I Alone Here? by Peter Orner

Maybe it’s just a thing that readers do, but I love reading about reading. I love authors who can articulate the importance of certain books to themselves and to culture as a whole. And that’s what Peter has done here. “Stories, both my own and those I’ve taken to heart, make up whoever it is that I’ve become,” Peter writes in this book that is an elegy for a late father and an end of a marriage, but is also a celebration of renewal through the stories we read and tell ourselves. 

4. Feel Free by Zadie Smith

If you aren’t familiar with Zadie Smith, I highly recommend you become familiar. She will save your life more than a few times. I have personally taken to calling her the Queen of fiction, because she is. But in this particular book, she graces us with essays on all sorts of subjects ranging from climate change to social media to Brexit and American politics to libraries to Justin Bieber and everything in between. This book is Zadie at her finest. 

Poetry and Memoirs 

1. Popular Music by Kelly Schirmann

I know poetry can sometimes be intimidating to get into, but I promise you won’t be disappointed. Poetry has a way of tricking your heart so that it gets to the true feeling of things. In Popular Music, Kelly shares poems that are at once intimate, but universal. She explores the spaces between - between the singer and the audience, and between the lyrics and the message. Poems on questions of life, music, and sometimes America, it’ll feel like you just took a deep breath when you’re finished reading this one. 

2. How to be Happy: Not a Self-Help Book. Seriously. by Iain Thomas

I discovered Iain Thomas accidentally on Tumblr like a thousand years ago. He used to write under an anonymous name “iwrotethisforyou” and is one of my favorite living poets. This book is a collection of poems, prose, emails, and tweets about going through difficult times, being depressed, not being able to write the book you promised your publisher, and maybe finding something that resembles happiness along the way.  

3. Just Kids by Patti Smith

Patti Smith is a hero of mine, and you’ll understand why when you read this memoir of her time in New York City in the 60’s and 70’s and the relationship she had with photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. The way Patti writes is so poetic and dreamlike, it just carries you away to someplace wonderful. An honest account of their youth and friendship, I can’t recommend this one enough.

4. Love Is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield

Rob Sheffield made the list twice, but for good reason. Love Is a Mix Tape is about Rob’s wife, Renee, who was also a music journalist before she suddenly passed away in 1997 and left behind all of the mix tapes they had made together. Mixes for dating, for road trips, for doing the dishes, for sleeping, and eventually mixes to mourn his loss. This is a memoir of how Rob’s first love, music, led him to his second, Renee. 

Fiction

1. How to Build a Girl by Caitlin Moran

If you’ve never heard of Caitlin Moran, then you’re welcome. My job here is done. I first read Caitlin when I discovered How to Build a Girl, a story about a young girl growing up in Wolverhampton, England who moves to London to become a music journalist at the age of sixteen. Loosely based on Caitlin’s life, this book is endearing and hilarious, and truly captures what it’s like to grow up as a girl in this world. I have since read four books by Caitlin, and all of them are as charming as the next. Bonus: there is a sequel to this book, How to be Famous, with a third one in the works!

2. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

Haruki Murakami is one of those authors that I am so thankful to have discovered. I can’t imagine my life without his books in it. Norwegian Wood, titled after the Beatles song of the same name, is the coming of age love story of Toru and Naoko. But as Toru settles into a life of loneliness and isolation on campus, Naoko finds the pressure of life unbearable. With his unique and surreal style, Murakami weaves together the music, the mood, and the ethos of the sixties with one man’s romantic coming of age story. 

3. Isn’t It Pretty To Think So? by Nick Miller

Jake Reed is struggling post graduation. He’s finding it difficult to find a use for his liberal arts degree, but after a death in the family and a surprise inheritance, he quits his job and goes on a road trip to find something new. Like the green light in The Great Gatsby, Isn’t It Pretty To Think So? evokes a universal longing. We all know what it’s like to be lost and confused and to be searching for who we are. Nick Miller captures the angst and restlessness of the Millennial Generation better than any book I’ve read. Like this quote from the book, “Get a grip on reality, man. Stop worrying about who you aren’t, and start being who you are.” We’re all so worried about appearances, and appearing better than we are online. If we stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks, we could actually be who we are, because who we are is pretty cool.

4. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

The Night Circus isn’t exactly a new book, it was published in 2011. But somehow it sneaks its way onto every book list I create. It is still, after nearly nine years, my favorite fiction book I’ve ever read. It’s a story about a circus that arrives in the middle of the night. No one sees it go up and no one sees it leave. It’s just there one day and gone the next. It is only open at night. To patrons, it’s just a circus, but behind the scenes a fierce competition is underway. Celia and Marco have trained their whole lives for this competition, and unbeknownst to them only one can survive. Despite being competitors, they fall in love. For those who enjoy a little magic and sweeping, grand, rich love stories, don’t pass this one up!

Sarah is a freelance writer and creative, making videos and podcasts with her husband Cody.

More than anything, she loves reading, writing, travel, blurry photos, and anything that

makes her feel something. You can find her online at sarahjensen.co and on instagram @sarah_jensen

This is How We Confuse Drama for Passion in Dating, Guest Writer: Daily

“He is such a good guy and he treats me like a queen but something just doesn’t feel quite right.”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a phrase to the likes of this, I’d be sitting pretty and rich! I am no pot calling the kettle black; these words have slipped from my mouth on more than one occasion. Admittedly, I am the most fickle when it comes to dating. I seem to be interested in the wrong people at the wrong time and run from the highest quality suitors. It’s nothing but drama, mama. 

The phrase at the top came from a conversation I had with one of my gals. We have been with each other through the highs and lows of college, stumbled into adulthood together, and now we are navigating the wild waters of dating. One evening, my friend and I were having one of our routine catch ups and she proceeded to tell me about this great guy she had been dating. [Insert quote from above] As I listened to her, conflicted and confused, my brain may have wandered to my own dating track record (that's another story for another time). I thought to myself, ‘why are people often infatuated with those who aren’t the best fit for them and why do people run from the ones who are good for them?’ It was a classic Bridget Jones moment to say the least. 

This question led me to think about the work I do. I provide therapy for people who have similar problems of choosing people they “desperately love” but who are not quite right. There seems to be no discrimination; it happens to people from all walks of life. That thought led me to think, maybe we have an epidemic of relationships founded solely on feelings of ‘passion’ rather than something more substantial. That’s when it hit me. I interrupted my friend; it felt like I couldn’t get the thought out fast enough. “You’re not sure how you feel about him because he isn’t causing any drama or anxiety in your life, which is easily confused for passion.” She quietly listened as I presented my theory: “It seems to me that people are attracted to those who aren’t best suited for them because it feels like ‘passion’ and when there are feelings of passion, it must be written in the stars. In actuality, drama-filled, anxiety-inducing relationships are not ones founded on love. That’s why when a high-quality, secure person comes around, it feels bland and lacking because they aren’t causing you anxiety or creating passion. They aren’t triggering those emotions, which can easily feel like the beginning of your next greatest dating adventure, only to find out that you all may not be the best matches for each other.” 

I must say, this is not a new theory. My so-called revelation came from something called “attachment theory.” This theory points all fingers back to the way we first connected with our primary caregivers, whether that be a mother, father, grandmother, etc. If these caregivers were present, consistent and nurturing, the baby would develop a secure attachment style. When these babies become adults, these are the people who are confident, have healthy boundaries, aren’t afraid to dialogue through conflict and consistently show up, because they know these things are the secret sauce to real love. You won’t find them playing any anxious heart strings because they know they don’t need to create drama or ‘passion’ order to find love. 

The other two groups of people are those with anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. These people may have a little more difficulty figuring out what healthy love looks like in their lives. They tend to either be overly-invested in their relationships (codependent) or fearful of putting skin in the game when it comes to being vulnerable and intimate with others (emotionally detached). These groups are not bad, hopeless, nor flawed. They simply had an interruption in attachment or maladaptive attachment. Sometimes, people in these groups mistake passion for love because they never truly knew what love looked like in their early years. They may have had a parent who worked excessively or wasn’t emotionally attuned to their needs, causing a break in attachment. 

The best part about all of this is: regardless of your attachment style, yours can always evolve and be reshaped based on your interpersonal relationships (romantic or not). If you are in a relationship with someone who is secure, willing to work through conflict, sees themselves as a whole person and you as a whole person, you will begin to develop a healthier attachment style. Their modeling and attachment will allow you to see and understand how healthy love is developed. No, unfortunately, it’s not an overnight, magical thing. 

This is not to say passion and love are simply constructs or beliefs of the hopeless romantics. I am as hopeless as a romantic as they can get! Those magic feelings, getting butterflies, time flying when you are with that person, and true love are all real. These little things come from true connection and are cultivated, nurtured, and grown into something much greater than we could ever imagine.

Dailey is a twenty-something living in Los Angeles, CA. She is a social worker who provides therapy for people who experience mental illness. In her spare time, you can find her at a barre class, having a deep conversation over tacos, or with her local girl gang.

Getting Yourself Off Your Hands and Catching Your Breath, Guest Writer: Laina Graf

What is having yourself on your hands?

You all know.  You know what it is like to walk into a room, feeling a little insecure and wondering, will I know anyone? Am I dressed appropriately?  Will my needs be met?  

When I cater, I invariably have someone come through the food line and ask “is there anything I can eat?”….I think to myself, ‘well unless you’re one of my alpacas, and can only eat grass….there is plenty for you to graze on!’.

We lead a smaller church in our barn on Sunday nights…and we end by eating dinner together.   

There is a woman in our barn community who drives my children crazy. When they come to me complaining about her, I tell them that God is writing a big grand adventure story, and in order for it to be interesting, he weaves in characters with unique idiosyncrasies.  How boring would life be without these characters in the story. 

We will name this woman Grace. I know that when “Grace” arrives, she will be-line for me, interrupt whatever conversation I am in, apologize for interrupting, and then keep talking about herself anyway. She’s the first in line for dinner and the first to complain if there isn’t anything that “she” can eat.  She talks frequently about how her husband doesn’t meet her needs and her kids are annoying.  She has herself on her hands.

But Grace was dropped, and kicked around… If you knew her story, it is no wonder that she scooped herself up at a young age. Getting stuck, at a child’s developmental stage, and has been carrying herself around ever since.

Last night, I catered a rather large event. My 3 year old Grandson Levi was there, and followed me around, oblivious of all that I was juggling, saying “Honey (that is what he calls me), member when you gave me bubble gum one time?”  After several reminders from him, I desperately found gum and gave it to him thinking it would buy me some brain space. A minute later I heard “Honey, member when you gave me another piece of bubble gum one time?” To which I stopped what I was doing, looked at him and said “Levi, did you swallow it?”  He quickly responded “NO!  I chewed it and I ate it!”

Behavior like this, unaware of others, is charming in a 3 year old. It is unbecoming in an adult.

Here’s the truth, you’ve been dropped too. You likely have areas where you have scooped yourself up, carrying yourself around, making sure that you will never be hurt like that again.

Another way to say it, is you’ve had the wind knocked out of you. If you haven’t, just wait…no one gets through life unscathed.

Maybe it was when your dad didn’t stick around.  Maybe your spouse betrayed you. Or someone you loved was lost. 

Moments like those can suck the life right out of your soul, steal the breath from your lungs and as life begins to beat you up, a small voice lies to you and tells you that you are alone.  So you pick yourself up determined to self protect.

I have way to many stories like these in my own life, I will share but one.

It was the night I got a call from my father that my cousin had been shot and killed by the police.  Amy’s story is tragic, one I will never fully understand, but it all started with pot in high school….ended up with heroine….and now she’s dead.

After coming home from her funeral, reeling and raw, we found out that our son, who had struggled to re adjust to American life with the family after living in Amsterdam, was diving deeper into the drug world and was dealing.  When we pursued him and set boundaries, thinking we were going to get on top of this, he decided to leave our home, live out of his car and be homeless.  Oh he left us a note…..The first pages were a full confession of everything he had done, breaking our hearts. He wrote a note to each person in our family, and what he had learned from us, and what he loved about us.  I wept as I read. Then he wrote, don’t worry mom and dad, when I am done with this adventure I will join the coast guard,  settle down, buy a house, marry a beautiful woman and have 4 kids. 2 girls, 2 boys in that order ☺  HE also said he would finish school (while homeless). But he said don’t try to find me!    Well he worked up the street at the 99 cent store and went to school around the corner!  But aside from the hysterically funny moments, I was crushed. When you bring a newborn home, and observe his first moments of breath and cradle him, and kiss his cheeks, you never hope that he will live on the streets, using, dealing and living a less than life.

So many things at that time of our lives were hitting us….you know when it all hits the fan at once?  And, having just seen how my beautiful cousin’s life ended, I was devastated, knowing there was no guarantee on my son’s life…. I ugly cried for weeks. Everywhere where I went I had myself on my hands. I was sick of listening to myself. I was heavy. My pain was consuming me.  I couldn’t see anyone else. I felt like I couldn’t’ breath, like I was gasping for air. The wind had been knocked out of me.

This is not a new story. This is humanity’s story for all of its existence, except its newborn moments.

And, God has been sending us love notes inviting us to set ourselves down and breath deeply of his spirit.You see back in the garden God formed us…his beloved, out of red clay. Then he cupped our face in his hands and with the kiss of God, he put his mouth over ours and breathed his spirit, Ruach (breath, wind, spirit) life into us and we began to live.

Then you know how it goes. Instead of trusting that relationship with God was enough and the tree of life was fulfilling, and breathing deep breathes of fresh pure crisp God air, and using our hands to tend to all that was sacred, ……Eve began a conversation with a snake and we took that apple into our own hands and we ate….

And, instead of the breath of God filling our lungs, we had the wind knocked out of us UGHHHHHHH and we have been gasping for air, looking for life, holding onto ourselves, and living small, ever since. No wonder we now have a society plagued with shame, anxiety, fear, depression…. And all of humanity is wheezing.

But God in his incredible passion for humanity was not satisfied to leave us to ourselves. 

After Jesus was crucified, the disciples, who had a few years of hope, thinking that  maybe Jesus was the one, felt dropped. Felt like the wind had been knocked out of them. So they scooped themselves up, and went back to what was familiar.

The Sunday after the cross, they were gathered in a room with the door locked. Hiding out, full of fear, likely barely breathing, when Jesus appeared in the middle of the room.  HE said, “be at peace”.   (side note, If you had killed or betrayed me ,  that would not be the first thing I would say to you. I would come to settle the score, or at least  say “help me understand” or have a few plans laid out to minimize the risk of anything like that ever happening again). But, thankfully, Jesus is offering something counter intuitive to us.  And, after he says Peace, he did it again! He drew near to his disciples.   He came close, and He breathed on them….(inhale).  The wind that had been knocked out of them, was now breathing life, Ruach deep into their souls. And their lives and this world has never been the same.

You see, when you believe the insidious lie that God isn’t enough, that you don’t have what it takes to face what lies ahead, that you are your history, and being dropped hurt, so you are going to be sure to pick yourself up, and hold onto your self and focus on yourself so that you really aren’t good for anyone else and you are breathlessly self protecting and gasping for air, you are not breathing life into anyone else….. I know what that is like.

Back to my son, I was so sick of having myself on my hands, that one day I felt like God said, get on the floor (that is not like me).  I laid on the ground. Then he said get up…..He clearly said “You have 4 other children, a husband who loves you, a community of people looking at how you will navigate this season of your life, …and a son ….who needs to see you living for something bigger than him. 

I was jarred… I had forgotten who held Me!  I had forgotten who was desperately trying to breath life into me.  I had forgotten who held my son!! I started breathing deep again, and set myself down and joy emerged.  It was a long road with my son that is unfolding beautifully. He did settle down. He hasn’t bought a house. He hasn’t married a beautiful woman. Nor does he have 4 kids, 2 girls, 2 boys, in that order. But he did finish high school (high and walked across the stage on his hands), but is now sober for a couple of years, working, and on a church staff leading their youth, surprising me continually with his maturing character.

But I had to set myself down, and allow the breath of God to fill my deflated lungs, trusting that God was enough long before I knew the outcome.

You see the only way to not scoop yourself up when you’ve been dropped …the only way to breath deep breaths of crisp air, when the wind has been knocked hard out of you, is to know that God’s got you in HIS hands.  And, to let HIM breath His life into yours. His love will overwhelm you. His love will invade you. His love will surprise you and will call you beyond yourself.  You will walk into a room with your hands wide open and free, and your lungs full, and just watch what God will do.

---

Laina Graf

Laina currently runs a wedding venue while being the catering service as well. Her and her husband, Phil, have been leading a house where they thrive on doing life with other people no matter how messy it gets!

Find her on FB.

Why We Struggle with Now vs. Next

At the beginning of this year I chose “Here Now” as my phrase to focus on and be more like.For me Here Now means: being present. I find myself daydreaming about the future or just the next thing. For fun I look at airplane tickets: future. For fun I browse vacation rentals, or try to plan the  next camping trip. It’s fun and all good things, but it majorly takes me away from the Here Now. I chose Here Now because I want to love the present, and I want time to slow down. Am I really here, now? Or am I in my head, in the future? Let’s be Here Now. Let’s read these words, take a breathe and notice our posture. Let’s bring ourselves into this moment. How many times a day do you think about the future? It could look like planning a vacation, or adding something to the grocery list for tomorrow. How much is the “next” on our mind? Let’s ask ourselves these questions: Are we:

1. Trying to keep busy

2. Searching for entertainment

3. Avoiding something

I want to challenge all of us to notice when we drift into a daydream about any other moment but the present. Notice when we go into task mode, filling our mental to do list. My when is usually when I’m not doing anything, it’s when I’m still. I have 10 minutes of nothing, and that’s when I day dream, plan an amazing party in my head for no reason.Next ask why.  What is missing from the Here Now that makes the future more appealing and alluring? My why is purpose and excitement.Close the door to the entertaining words “But wait there’s more!” and accept/enjoy the Here Now.Remember reading books as a kid and turning to the last page to find out the ending? Maybe you still do that! What is so enticing about the next page versus the one you’re on? You are in the next. You are in the next season, day, week, or year that you’ve been hoping for, planning, and thinking of. So before you think of the next remember that you are in the “last next.”Don’t listen to the alluring and entertaining voice of next, it will have its time. All it is doing is robbing you from the rich moments of the now. “Next” will only be satisfied by more nexts. If you’re dreaming of being done with something like school, a large project, if you’re picturing yourself in a new city because you can’t wait to move, if you’re tired of chasing your littles and can’t wait till _____, if you’re growing impatient for your season to shine remember this moment, as is. Be here, because “next” will come and have its time and it’ll be way more satisfying when you're Here Now.  

Squint Your Eyes and Consider, is it Adding or Taking Away from Your Life Now?

Recently I was watching a video by a well known photographer about editing and touch ups. He pulled up one of his photos to use as an example; it was pretty close to perfect.

He said in order to realize what needs to be lightened, darkened, or completely taken out squint your eyes and stare at the photo for awhile. What catches your eye the most (besides the subject)? What sticks out above all else? Then you will find the culprit that needs to be asked Are you adding or taking away from the image? That is what you’ll need to lighten, darken or take out. As he started removing things from the photo such as a large rock near the models feet, a bench in the distance, or an awkward branch, I was surprised. The image looked great as is, but it looked even better as he de-cluttered it. It really forced my eyes on the subject.

Wow. What if we applied this to our life? I don’t know where you live, but I live in a world and culture of plenty. What you want to do, who you want to be, who you want to know, where you want to live is at our fingertips or a click away. We can be as busy as we want, and we can sign up for whatever we want. It’s a very full time to be alive.

Let’s imagine that we are the subject of an image, and life is the background.

So I ask you, to squint your eyes and look at your life.

Look at your days, your weeks, your years. Look at your highs and your lows.

What sticks out to you the most? What catches your eyes? Is it adding or taking away from your life?

This isn’t an exercise to get rid of things that you initially may think of as negative or toxic. It’s a way to assess what is adding, and what is taking. If it’s not adding then what’s the point? Do you desire to have things in your life that aren’t adding? This thing could be something you like, or it could be a metaphor to represent what’s going on inside. But if it sticks out to you the most….Is it adding or taking away from your life?

As you squint and look at your life, go through the top 3-5 things that catch your eye the most  and ask yourself that question. Maybe you’re life looks great as is but could it look better de-cluttered to force your eyes on whatever your goal may be?

I’d love to hear what sticks out to you when you look at your life. It’s not easy letting go.  

What are the 5 Phases of Burnout? Read before you need them, Guest Writer: Jess Hoover

Now more than ever the pressure is on. Constant consumption of hustle harder and no days off is creating the burnout culture. We often use the term burnout loosely but, in reality burnout is harmful to your well being and can lead to serious health conditions. Burnout is the result of chronic stress due to physical, mental and emotional overload. It’s usually accompanied by lack of drive, productivity and a whole slew of physical symptoms that vary from person to person. How do you know if you’re approaching burnout? Here are the 5 phases of burnout:

1. While burnout can affect anyone, high achieving personalities are more prone to burnout. More often the need to achieve, setting unrealistic goals, underestimating the workload of projects, willing to work tirelessly and “do whatever it takes,” sets the stage for burnout.

2. As the stress on our body begins to slow us down, we begin to overcompensate by working harder and sleeping less. What used to feel like solvable problems now feel insurmountable. Fear creeps in and we ignore it, passing the blame to others. We become more critical of the people we work with, feel increasingly irritable, lose interest in our work and begin to doubt our own abilities.

3. If preventative measures aren’t taken in phase 2, you’ll begin to notice physical and or mental evidence of stress, which include but aren’t limited to:

   1. Anxiety

   2. Loss of Sleep

   3. Teeth Grinding

   4. Heart Palpitations

   5. Inability to concentrate

   6. Headaches

   7. Once you’re in stage four, the stress has taken a toll on your body, mind and spirit. In an effort to protect yourself, you may begin to conserve energy at a subconscious level. You may have an increased need for extra days off, miss deadlines, show up late for work, feel restless or withdraw from your social life. It’s imperative you begin listening to the warning signs and change your lifestyle or your body will begin to shut down like mine did (more on that later.)

   8. Here we are, the point where you’re burned out bad! Chances are you ignored the warning signs and kept pushing yourself to the point of absolute exhaustion. Most people who get to this stage feel validated by achievement and don’t know who they’d be if they slowed down. The fear of losing their identity makes them sick. This is the stage where your body forces you to slow down by stopping you physically. In this stage you may even feel so sick you go to the ER. Physical manifestations of full blown burnout may look like this:

      1. Depression

         1. Extreme Exhaustion

         2. Stomach Problems

         3. Physical, mental or emotional fatigue

         4. Migraines

         5. Vertigo

         6. Numbing of the face or hands

         7. The desire to move away from friends, work and even family.

While I always recommend taking preventive measures, please seek help from a medical professional if you feel your health is being compromised. How am I qualified to write about this you ask? Well, four years ago chronic stress and burnout nearly killed me by way of cardiac arrest! Yes, my heart stopped while on a jog from pushing through burnout time and time again. I am lucky to be alive today! I allowed myself to get to the point where I forgot what normal felt like. I was fueled by caffeine and always in some form of pain yet pushed and pushed and pushed until my body said no more.

Today, it has become my mission to help women beat the burnout so they can feel energized and fulfilled.The biggest lesson I’ve learned is, you have to slow down to speed up! The world is moving faster than ever and making selfcare a priority is a must so you can stay grounded, find clarity and be focused. My favorite way to beat the burnout is my non-negotiable morning routine. It allows me to live more intentionally and sets the tone for the day. It’s a game changer and has transformed my life in so many positive ways.

If you’d like to implement a morning routine and don’t know where to start, I’ve created a free 15 minute morning routine cheat sheet. It’s a great way to ease into intentional living and feel relief from stress right away. If you’re feeling stressed, anxious or burnt out, I urge you to find one thing that will make you feel good and do it! Be easy on yourself and know you are worthy, you matter and you are loved.

Creating Lasting Change with the Canteen Method, Guest Writer: Sarah Jensen,

A new year and a fresh start, or so it seems. I don’t know what it is about the calendar starting over, but it always gives me hope that I can start over too. Without fail, I become incredibly enthusiastic about the goals I want to accomplish. I go overboard on reflection and planning and dreaming, all of the fun parts. But I do my best to ignore the feelings that linger just below the surface - the understanding that all I’m doing is chasing an idealized and perfected version of myself; that all I’m doing is running from the current me.This year has been no different. I began making plans and setting goals. All of the usual goals - exercise more, write more, work better. But this time, in the middle of me making my exciting plans for more, a thought popped in my head: “All you need to worry about is making healthy decisions.” I stopped making goals and began considering why I even had them. It’s really great to always want to build and progress, but it’s equally as important to know why you’re doing it. We should not only strive for growth, but to live with purpose and intention.I came across a quote online that sums it up. It was said by a professor to his students, but we can easily apply to our own lives: “You cannot be successful and help others if you are sleep deprived, malnourished, or out of shape. Take care of yourself. Find a balance and don’t let go of what defines you.” In order to accomplish what we feel we’re here to accomplish, we must be healthy - mentally, physically, and spiritually. If you’re not at 100%, you can’t give other people (or projects) 100%. It is that simple, and that complicated. I still made my goals. I still wrote down an unattainable amount of things I want to do this year, but this time there’s something deeper to them. I’m trying to pay attention to the underlying feelings. Instead of simply trying to produce more, I’m trying to get down to the characteristic I need to develop in order to accomplish what I dream of. Instead of “working more,” I want to develop the self-discipline it takes to build a business. And so on and so on.Someone said to me recently, “a busy life does not mean you have to be rushed.” I think that’s a great way of going into this new year. Slow down, breath. Live with intention. Make healthy decisions for yourself. What needs to get done will still get done, not despite slowing down, but I think probably because of it.Maybe 2018 felt hopeless and exhausting for you like it did for me. But I promise this year is full of hope. It’s overflowing with love. It’s filled to the brim with joy. Do you feel that? It’s your heart beating, alive. Learn its rhythms. Treat it with kindness.An intentional way to slow down:Mike Foster is the founder of People of the Second Chance. Several years ago I had the opportunity to attend one of his sessions at a conference where he introduced us to something he calls the Canteen Exercise. The idea is that you have a canteen, and you fill your canteen by practicing specific self-care exercises that are solely for you to enjoy. You begin by breaking self-care into four categories: daily, weekly, quarterly, and annually, assigning each category a monetary value.Daily: You decide, according to your budget, what you can afford daily. Maybe it’s a cup of coffee in the quiet of your home, or maybe you enjoy your coffee at a cute cafe. It doesn’t have to cost money, by the way. For me, my daily self-care is my shower time. I do my best thinking in the shower, so I usually take 30-45 minutes and just allow myself to relax. And about 2-3 times a week I add a face mask, just because I love them!Weekly: The weekly category should be a bit more expensive. This might mean going to a movie by yourself, or enjoying a nice meal on your own. Maybe it’s going to a bookstore and purchasing a new read. Use your creativity! I personally love going to the theater and book browsing, so I switch off every other week. There are no limits to this, only you can define what is good for your soul. If you don’t know yet, test some things out! Do you relax better while reading in a park, or doing DIY projects?Quarterly: The quarterly, again, should be assigned a larger budget. Once a quarter, you take what you’ve been saving up in your monthly budget, and you spend it. Maybe you love shopping, or maybe you’d rather go to a play. I use my quarterly budget to alternate between going on a weekend trip or to a concert of one of my favorite bands.Annually: The last category, the one with the biggest budget, is annually. This typically means a vacation. A week or two somewhere new to refresh your mind and see life through a new lens. It isn’t required to be a trip though, the annual category can be anything you want. The point is, it’s something you love to do that brings life and rest and perspective.So there it is, a way to be intentional with yourself. A way to be kind and allow yourself rest while you develop your character and accomplish your dreams.*Download the canteen method here to personalize it!

My favorite Enneagram Resources and What You Want to Know about 7's

I wanted to share this sketch about Enneagram type 7, and give you some of my favorite resources about it!

I know there are many articles about the Enneagram, and I don’t claim to be an expert AT ALL. I just wanted to give you the above sketch regarding type 7, share some of my favorite resources, and let you hear from some of my friends regarding their Enneagram journey! After reading “The Road Back to You,” by, Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile, and listening to many podcasts about the different types, I wanted a visual way to remember the things I learned. That is why I sketched the above visual of what stuck out to me about being type 7. Like many others, this has been a tool to help me identify my positive and negative patterns and how I can grow to be a healthier version of myself.

Example, in the sketch you'll see "seek vs. savor." For me that means I am always on the look out instead of looking at the moment I am in. "Seek" and "more" go hand in hand because the idea of missing out or something exciting being just around the corner keeps us going. So dead on, the Enneagram identifies and calls out your core desire, how you act when you're stressed, and what your afraid of. In case you are a 7 or you know someone who is, this visual short version of type 7 could be handy to you! For those that are unfamiliar with what I am talking about, here is the bottom line: “The Enneagram is an ancient personality type system with an uncanny accuracy in describing how human beings are wired, both positively and negatively” (Theroadbacktoyou.com).

To learn more about the Enneagram:

-The Road Back to You, read their book and listen to their podcast

-Typology, listen to the podcast

-The Enneagram Institute, Browse their website, take the test, and watch their videos

-Suzanne Stabile, listen to her podcast

-Sleeping At Last, they created an album of songs that represent each type

-Sarah Jensen, a book review video from my friendI want to hear about your Enneagram journey. What were the top three most impactful discoveries for you?

Here are some wise words from my friends!

Sarah Jensen-Type 4, "When I first read through my number, it made me angry. It made me feel exposed in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I think the most eye-opening things the enneagram has done for me is: 1. Given me language to some of the emotions I constantly feel. It’s helped me to articulate some aspects of myself that I might not have understood before. 2. It’s taught me to recognize my patterns. I can be a bit self-sabotaging and the enneagram has helped me recognize when I’m heading down that path before it’s too late so I can work on correcting course. And 3. It’s taught me how to relate to myself and how to relate to others. Learning how other people operate, and more importantly why they operate that way, has been incredibly impactful in my friendships. Instead of being angry because I feel like someone wronged me, it helps me step back and recognize why they reacted that way and maybe how I wasn’t as innocent as I originally thought.

"Taylor Kalmikov-Type 1, "Being a one, I am continually hearing my inner critic. It is second nature to me to find anything that can be improved. One of the biggest things I have learned is that not everyone has an inner critic that is watching their every move. I thought everyone experienced that and that I was just hard on myself. But, I am learning to realize I don’t have to listen to my inner critic all of the time. I’m learning not to give it as much power in my head and heart

."Kyle Frost-Type 6, "The Enneagram has allowed me to put into words the truths about myself that I inherently knew but didn’t know how to express in completes thoughts. It has also opened my eyes to tendencies and patterns that I was unaware of. This new understanding has given me the ability to both change thoughts and behaviors to be a more healthy me and to confidently stay true to to my own personality."

 Kassidy Dietz-Type 7, " It’s wholistic. It doesn’t focus on just the positives, and it doesn’t focus on just the negatives but rather, encompasses an inclusive image of a person at their best and their worst. It’s not as reductionistic as other personality tests, and what I like about it is that we are all of the types - and that they preface that! There is a lot of encouragement to remember to use this as a handy tool for productivity rather than say, a crowbar for destructive thinking. It helps me to see that we should take people's personalities as they are and that one is not better than the other. Rather, we see the person as a holistic being and are able to relate to each other in specific ways. I also value the childhood message and trauma reflections used in the enneagram because it can be a helpful tool in reflecting on how distant memories or even unconscious ones can shape who we are, and that we don't have to be victims to it

.Kalli Davis-Type 4, "1. A new understanding that some of the the themes that have weaved throughout my life are not failures to move forward in certain areas but are pieces of my unique person and will most likely be a part of my story forever in some capacity. 2. I have found new insight to why and how I relate to God3. New insight that led to more grace for myself and my spouse in our unique feelings, viewpoints, and ways of reacting/behaving. And it’s fun to keep learning new things about someone you know so well."

Looking Back and Seeing More

It smells like fresh ground coffee, the lighting is not too bright to make the environment feel stark but not too dim to encourage me to curl up with a blanket and watch a movie. Where am I? At a coffee shop, sitting in a well used mid century brown leather chair with polished wooden arms. It is a visually pleasing environment, and busy, kind of like a Where’s Waldo puzzle. Every time you look at it you see something new, because there is so much going on. “Was that there before?” Or “Did someone change that?”

Kind of like music, when you listen to it over and over again.

Kind of like us, when we reflect on our story and think about the events of our life that have led us to the point we are at now.A

fter the death of my mom in March 2009, I’ve told the events of my life many times. I’ve told it personally and inwardly to myself while reflecting, or because it’s etched into my memory. I’ve told it through writing a book: Healing, Hope & Wholeness. Lastly I’ve told it verbally to others from a scale from one on one, to groups the size of a few hundred.

Every time it takes:

Energy - It can be physically draining.

Emotion - I have to allow myself to tell it with feeling. I never want to tell it with a sense of being so unattached as if I have grown numb.Every time it gives:

Energy - Spiritually I feel fulfilled because it’s a reminder of God’s healing, hope and wholeness in me.

Emotion - It gives me motivation to help others in their grief.BUT every time I learn something new about myself, the situation, or God.

Sometimes it is subtle things that turn into opportunities for more healing, hope and wholeness in my story. They are realizations that cause movement for growth and maturity. “Was that there before?” Or “Did someone change that?”……I wonder what it was like for my mom’’s longest friend to loose her best friend?I understand why my mom said certain things to me during her last week of life. Wow. I wish I could tell her ____.Her trust in the Lord was a huge example. It was so natural on her but it influenced the rest of my life without her, to keep going.

While it takes energy and emotion to reflect or share the events of your life, I promise you that it is worth it. It is worth it for you now, for your future, and for others that it could help.

We are never too old or too good for this intentionality.

Maybe there are more things that God wants to show you about your story.  Are you open?

Take your time.

Grab a journal.Bring a trustworthy friend into this journey.

Keep thinking and keep talking.

When you doubt that it is making a difference keep going.When you think you’ve learned all you could, keep going.

We are never a finished story, we are never finished being students of learning. 

Photo credit: Jordan Young

How to Re-evaluate Your Stress

Summer has been about re-evaluating my stress and commitments. I have been learning what stress is and how to know if I am stressed. It is not as easy as you might think.

I like a lot of things. I have always been like that. What comes with that type of person is the constant feeling of being pulled in a handful of directions mentally. It causes me to forget my end goal (which is buried deep under all of my other goals), to have a hard time being present, and to always be in GO mode (I can do more!).

BREATHE.

Imagine a plastic grocery bag carrying fist size rocks. Each rock represents something or someone you feel responsible for/to. Such as your friends, job, health, or family. These rocks are not bad things, just things or people you have a responsibility for/to. Each rock brings it's own weight and makes the plastic grocery bag weak in parts as it stretches, potentially completely ripping.

Maybe we do not know when we are stressed because we do not know what is causing us stress? That's why this analogy is eye opening to me.  The word stress feels negative. We hear it being used in ways such as, "you're stressing me out..this deadline is stressful." But positive things can be stressful too.

To say your stressed does not mean you are weak or that you cannot handle it.

I had big plans for summer planning Hope Collective Retreat. A weekend getaway for women who've experienced the death of a parent and wanted to dive deeper into their grief and healing journey. But instead, my stress was asking for attention. Earlier this year I had 3 doctors ask me to look at the things in my life that are causing me stress. Apparently I needed to get it under control. I thought about it for a whole minute because I did not want to come to the conclusion that, simply, stress was causing these certain physical symptoms to pop up. That would mean I'm weak (or so I told myself). I felt responsible to too many things. I had many ideas and goals and ultimately I didn't want to admit that I could not do them all. (Which is why Hope Collective Retreat did not happen, but I plan on doing it in the future).

The final time I was asked to look at my stress I actually did. I prayed about it, talked to my husband and a friend, and cut out "noise". Shortly after that, the physical symptoms I was experiencing went away. Stress?

Things I asked myself: 

• What is my goal?

• How do I get there?

• What can just be a hobby?

Re-evaluate your stress: 

• Can you take out any of the rocks?

  • What is priority? Say "no" more often. Get back to the basics.

• Are you holding on to a rock that is not yours to begin with?

  • Who said that it is yours to worry about?

• Can you make a rock smaller?

  • Let go a little more, care a little less.

 Simplify your rocks.

When Grief Comes Home, Guest Writer: Paul Kuzma

I had been a visitor on too many dead body calls, accident, and suicide and homicide scenes to count as a Police Chaplain for 15 years when grief came home.

I knew enough from my work as a Chaplain to expect that when it came to my home, my life, my heart, it would not be the same as what I had encountered on those countless scenes of loss and grief. It would be mine, not that of someone else. This time, I wouldn’t be able to go home and go on with life like I had so many times before

.I was somewhat familiar with grief myself, having lost my older brother at the age of 33 to AIDS. It happened right when a birth mother told us that we were the chosen adoptive parents to our oldest son. Something of my brother’s death seemed to just maybe bear a little bit of redemption. And it was over 20 years ago.

Diagnosed with lung cancer in 2014 at 80 years old, Mom chose the route of no treatment. She lived her life as fully as she could, until she couldn’t anymore.

It turned out that five weeks before she would leave this earth, my younger brother’s wife would tragically lose her battle with drug and alcohol addiction at only 33 years old. She left behind a 6-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son.

My brother immediately moved to my city to be near family support for he and his children. For the first time since I left home after High School, we were living near each other. At the same time, I was packing in preparation to leave the city I called home for over 29 years for another clear across the country.

Understandably, yet surprisingly, the move was much more painful, soul tearing, for me than I expected. I could only hope and pray that 2016 and the season of new work and new home would bring fresh life to my battered heart.Instead, the new year brought four more deaths of people attached to my wife and I, all of them suddenly and unexpectedly. In March, it would be my best friend. One day short of the six-month anniversary of his death, it would be her best friend. Two weeks later, it would be our boys’ former football coach. Four weeks after that, it would be her adopted older brother.

With a Twilight Zone-ish twist, they were all 55 years old. Grief seemed to find its way into every nook, cranny, and crevice inside my soul.I am a practitioner, teacher and coach of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, and had been for a dozen years. I had helped countless other Pastors integrate its principles into their own lives, and that of their congregations.

One of the principles of EHS is “Expanding Your Soul Through Grief and Loss.” I knew enough to be aware that grief was going to find its way in my soul much like a trickle of water turns into a brook, then creek, then river, forging its way through vast territories.

What I found myself unprepared for, and am still reconciling, is just how deep that work needs to happen in me. I knew that life wouldn’t stop for my grief. Those around me would keep on living, but I was caught off guard by how quickly life would want to intrude on my mourning.

Now halfway through 2017, the spinning world is still on its own axle. Only eight months after my wife’s best friend’s passing, two of her four children have married.

My wife’s youngest, 28-year-old cousin recently lost his battle to drug addiction. My dad considers whether or not he will receive treatment for the recent diagnosis of bladder cancer.

I have long known that life goes on after the loss of people we love. I am learning to accept this for what it is, rather than battle with its glaring truth. I am discovering that there is life in grief, and that our losses do not have to make us less, but can make more room for life and love.

I wish I could tell you how that happens. Instead, I can only tell you that it does. Give yourself the love and grace and time that you have given to others when they were in the shoes of loss and you were wearing the clothes of comforter. It is just as much yours to receive as it is when you give it away.

When Grief Freezes Time

I woke up on my 27th birthday feeling heavy hearted. Birthdays are my favorite, I love celebrating and making people feel special. In my eyes, life is a huge gift and honor, we are lucky to grow old, therefore I LOVE birthdays. But I woke up in a really funky mood. It was a cloudy and drizzly day and we had to postpone our fun birthday plans, visiting the nearby islands, because of the weather. That was unusual for a May birthday. I’ve never had a rainy birthday in my life, come on skies!

The week leading up to my birthday I told my husband that I am thankful for another year but this birthday just seems weird. It seems impossible that I’ll be 27. I remember turning 21 and feeling pretty grown up about life, but now that was 6 YEARS AGO. WHAT?! The last few birthdays haven’t felt like big deals, I didn’t wake up and feel different. But this late 20’s age range… my mind is tripping. This sounds so naïve but I have always pictured myself being young, and the same age forever! Why do I even think that’s possible? I don’t picture myself in my 30’s, 40’s or how lovely my skin and hair will age when I’m 70.

It’s not like I want to live forever but I think what’s hitting me is that….we have no control of growing old and I guess subconsciously, I kind of felt like I did (and kind of still do). There it is. If you’re along those same lines, you know that that is a big eye opener. Thanks 27.

As we got ready for our day, no plans on the horizon, I felt like I was fighting sadness left and right but all I wanted was to be exited! I get to hang out with my caring and kind husband doing whatever we want!

But on my 27th birthday I was reminded, again, how uncomfortable vulnerability is, how I really do hate crying in front of people because it makes me feel weak, and how missing my mom will weave in and out of my life, forever.

Because this particular birthday felt big to me and because I’m nearing 30, the farther the years get away from my mom’s time on earth, the more I miss that she’s missing my current life. It’s like trying to hold on to a hot air balloon, but it gracefully and slowly starts flying away. The bright colors of the balloon are sharp in your mind, but are fading before your eyes. I realized if I didn’t picture myself getting older because somehow time froze, then I didn’t have to acknowledge that I have many many more years ahead without her.

I am IN a season of redeeming visualizing my future, not just my 20’s, because I have several more birthdays ahead.  

What Happened When I Faced My Fears of Rejection, Guest Writer: Bethany Martin

 “I no longer believe God is working behind the scenes to make me famous. Instead, I think I’m supposed to contribute something to the people around me and create an environment where healthy relationships can flourish.” – Donald Miller

Over the past several months, the idea of ‘creating a space’ has been playing on a continuous loop in my mind. This space I imagine is not necessarily a physical space with cozy couches and fragrant candles burning, rather a space that unprecedented dreams are dreamt, where hearts find comfort and where stories are shared.

I’m rounding the corner to my 31st year of life and I’m just now beginning to grasp the desperate need for community. This whole idea of ‘finding your tribe’ that has become so trendy is anything but new. It’s a theme played out over and over again through history. But it wasn’t always a theme in my life; in fact it has been one of my greatest fears and something I have often felt bad at.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with relationships. Struggled with the fear of being left out, fear of being forgotten. I have this memory as a young girl, running from the other kids at my daycare, telling them that I had a disease so that they would leave me alone. It’s such a strange memory to have, but my reasoning for doing it was a form of protection; because if I could convince them to leave me alone, I wouldn’t have to face their rejection. As I got older, that fear of rejection became reality over and over. From my memory, all of junior high and most of high school was just a series of being left out and forgotten, oftentimes intentionally.

I attended a very small private school, filled to the brim with exclusive clicks. I have this haunting memory of intentionally being the only girl in my grade not invited to one of the ‘popular’ girls’ birthday parties in the 7th grade. I sat alone in my room crying that Friday night when the 20 other girls in my class giggled the night away just a mile down the road. That memory, followed by the next few years of mean kids, left me feeling inadequate. I absolutely knew there was something wrong with me and was certain I would never have a true friend.

Down the road, when I was 28, I found myself in a deep state of depression. It was a season of newness for me. Living in a new city, newly married, transitioning into a new job and attending a new church where I had almost no friends. I had family yes, and two of the best friends in the world, but there was 3 hours of distance between us. I became certain that The Head and The Heart’s song “Rivers and Roads” was written specifically for me. It became my anthem of loneliness that year.

There were small moments of bravery when I tried to put myself out there but each time rendered unsuccessful. I continued in this state until the eve of my 29th birthday when I decided that I could not spend even one more day walking that dark path.

Praise the Lord for grace and forgiveness, here I am today writing a blog about the importance and pursuit of relationship. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still struggle with those insecurities from time to time, but I choose to continually seek community rather than sit and wall in self-doubt.

This past year has been richly blessed with community. I made it a priority to seek out friendships that are deep and meaningful and I am continually surprised at how God has used the people in my life to inspire me and build me up in all areas of my life.If there is one thing I’ve grown to be certain of in this life, it’s that life without community is truly no life at all. We were created to be unified. We were not created to walk this world alone. Every struggle, every hurt, every victory, every moment of glory was meant to be shared.

I long for every area of my life to be shared in community. Everything from my home to my deepest dreams to my marriage- for all of it to overflow with the blessing of relation.

I’ve had the opportunity recently to open up my home twice a month to the women at my church. It’s become a safe haven to grow and learn how to be vulnerable with each other. Each week that those women leave my home, I sit and reflect of the simplicity and beauty of people coming together and breaking bread.In addition to these women, I have also found the absolute best community with fellow creative, both in Tulsa and throughout the world via social media. It’s common for women to constantly compete and compare with each other, especially in an entrepreneur field, but I am continually connecting with other creative women who support and cheer each other on. Who are open and accepting and long to use their talent to connect with one another. In fact, it’s probably my favorite part of having a small creative business. Being a part of that community and always getting to meet such talented and welcoming people.One of my greatest passions lately has been encouraging others that their story matters. That whatever they have gone through in life, good or bad, it all matters and it can all be used. Used to inspire, used to connect and used to build bridges. I dream of how magical this world could be if everyone could know just how worthy they are. How much good could come in this world if we started seeing worth and beauty in each person we pass by. I fully believe that God’s greatest creation is humanity and I long to see humanity come together and do great things. The key being TOGETHER.

Alone we can do very little, but together we can find love for all the orphaned children. Together, we can feed and shelter all of those living on the street. Together, we can piece the broken hearts back together.

If I could leave you with just one piece of advice, it would be that if you are going through a season of loneliness, please reach out to someone. And if you struggle with comparison, find someone and celebrate them. All it takes is one moment of bravery. Whatever you are going through and whatever you will face in the future, find someone to go through it with. It could truly make all the difference in the world.

For in the great words of Maya Angelou, “we are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.”Connect with Bethany Martin:Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/wordsofhallelujahInstagram: @wordsofhallelujahPC: Jess ReNae (jessrenae.com)